What kind of marriage do the people in tv ads have where one spouse surprises another with a car I mean this is a major financial decision
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My dog: PLAY WITH ME!
Me: *grabs toy*
My dog: not that one….. nope…..not that one either…hate that one…. never that one….what was the first one again?….still no….
[lava kids playing in a volcano]
“the floor is linoleum!”
[ alone in a dark cemetery ]
me: marco
ME: I’m dead inside.
THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: Dead inside. Jesus, is this your first fuckin day?
Used to be, bugs knew their place. Spring, summer, fall, but they gave us winter. Today’s bugs are not honorable.
I pronounce both Es in Ethan Hawke.
This guy keeps buying me drinks and talking to me as if I’ll go home with him just because we’re married
GUY: I wish girls liked comics.
GIRL: I love comics.
GUY: Oh really? Then what’s the Hulk’s favorite flavor ice cream?
*finally drifting off to sleep*
Neighbors dogs at 3AM: BARK BARK BARK-WHO TRYIN’A FUK-BARK BARK BARK
13 year old me: why is my mom texting me?
me now: i’m gonna send my mom a pic of this grass cause it’s super green. I think she’ll like it.
Hangovers only happen to people who stop drinking.
Me: I’m older and wider
Them: don’t you mean “wiser”
Me: nope
car mechanic: I’m tired
drummer: I’m beat
pipe layer: I’m drained
gardener: I’m bushed
chef: I’m fried
tailor: I’m worn
plumber: I’m pooped
I locked myself out of my office twice already today. I guess Mercury definitely in rubbermaid.
if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it
My kid’s latest report card looks like someone with a stutter is trying to swear.
He died doing what he loved; shouting ‘boo!’ behind horses.
A meal so good, you want to position it on a couch and use it as the subject of a charcoal drawing that’ll survive one of the great maritime tragedies in history, only to be recovered 84 years later in a safe full of brine and grime and beautifully restored via mini power washer.
me: wow you sure are playing hard to get
after-school appointment at my kid’s dentist: *blushes* oh you
Doesn’t count, officer, you forgot to read me my amanda rights!
“Your what?”
You know, my… [mumbles] banana rights.
Its real cute how pedestrians confuse “right of way” with immortality.
I’ve decided to go back to meeting someone the old-fashioned way, through alcohol and poor judgment.
They just got engaged at a hibachi restaurant — and the chef wrote their initials in rice!
I know the birds that flew south for winter mad as hell right now.
Take me to get something to eat. I’m too drunk to drive.
Officer: “I need you to step out of the car, ma’am.”
I wear a 3-piece suit to bed in case someone breaks in & we have nothing to talk about. “Did you notice I’m wearing a suit?” “Yes”
Me: goodnight moon
Moon: It’s 6pm
Me: I know but I’m tired
Moon: I literally just got here
[screaming into the void]
MARCO
[hiking]
Me: you want some trail mix?Friend: yeah sure!
Me: *starts beatboxing*
”How’d you get that scar on your head?”
[remembers falling at the playground as a kid]
”Stopped a bank robbery”