Sang to the radio on the way home today.
Got every word wrong.
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“Girl, same.”
– Midwife, handing a mother the second of her newborn identical twins.
When I was just a little girl, I asked my mother what will I be. Will I be pretty, will I be rich? Here’s what she said to me:
GO TO SLEEP.
I’m sick of this one horse town
*moves to two horse town*
No, no, this is too much
I haven’t worn corduroy since that time I almost died in a fire chasing the ice cream man…
If you see someone looking too confident at the grocery store, ask them where the velveeta is.
“Oh man, that thing looks irritated”
– me, pulling into the airport parking lot and seeing my mother-in-law waiting on the curb
I think I鈥檝e convinced my sister that the new big thing is Diet Water, and now I can鈥檛 wait for her to order it when we go for lunch.
If twitter ends I guess I’ll just mail my tweets to Reader’s Digest like I used to.
“The floor is larva.”
– Indiana Jones, entering the Temple of Doom
I made a wish and threw a bitcoin in the fountain. Now my laptop won’t boot anymore.
Just threw a ghost boomerang. That鈥檚 gonna come back to haunt me.
How close to the road does something have to be to assume it鈥檚 free to take, because that鈥檚 a really cool mailbox.
Me: Im still mad at you for last night
Hub: Well Today is the 1st. Which means that happened last month. Which means youre being ridiculous
I would be very interested to hear from someone who is ILLEGALLY blind.
Old MacDonald loaned me cash.
He I, he I owe.
Gave a stranger my home address to pick something up that I’m selling online so looks like I’m getting dismembered for Christmas.
Them: what charity are you raising money for?
Me: *in a bath of beans* raising money?
Therapist: How are you feeling
Me: I think I’ve finally gotten over my agoraphobia. I’m ready to go outside and get on with my life 馃檪
Therapist: Ok you’re not gonna believe this
When I said “I’m really good in bed” I was referring to sleeping. Sorry for the misunderstanding, you can pull your pants up now.
“I need a synonym for equivalence.”
“Synonym.”
“Yes a synonym.”
“Synonym is the word.”
“It is and I need one for equivalence.”
“It’s synonym.”
“I think that’s how I’m pronouncing it.”
“THE WORD IS SYNONYM.”
“Whatever, now will you give me one for equivalence.”
everyone (crying, begging): please鈥ou cannot be both hot and nice. just pick one
me: no
I can’t sleep; so I went out & got 2 donuts, glued them to my eyes, climbed up a tree & pretended I’m an owl.
If you have a flip-phone, you are probably an undercover cop.
there are five seasons: reese’s pumpkin season, reese’s christmas tree season, reese’s heart season, reese’s egg season, and the long loneliness
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I unfollow you.
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I block you.“A Game of Phones”
Sometimes the trash takes out itself. Unfortunately, it usually runs its stupid mouth first.
“You know your addiction is bad when you lie and say you’re at the gym when really you’re out shopping” is the title of my autobiography.
What if my cans are tuna cans or industrial school size cans of peaches in syrup or old rusty tin cans connected with string, can I still show them off? I heard people like looking at other people’s cans
WIFE: can you fold the clothes in the dryer?
ME: *climbing in* I can try