Adult me is pretty pissed that you can’t learn to dance perfectly in the span of an 80’s montage.
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My favorite type of women put their jeans on in this way; left leg, right leg, wiggle wiggle jump jump.
*gets notification I’ve been added to your “Hi” list
adds you to my “No” list*
Me *starts peeling potatoes*
My kid: are the fries ready yet?
[in bed]
gf: I thought we could experiment with toys
me: fine, but not my buzz lightyear
Nothing brings a family closer at graduation than a flask.
Sorry to the guy in the car having to witness me checking for boogers in his tinted windows.
Wife: Nothing you could say could convince me that cockroaches aren’t the worst.
Me: Wall-E’s friend was a cockroach.
Wife: Except that.
When you let grandma cat sit
Practice makes perfect, unless you suck.
If I ever saw a Tyrannosaurus Rex in real life , I’d be scared.
“Honey, have you seen the baby? I haven’t seen the baby since I asked you to throw out the bath wat–OH DEAR GOD!!” – birth of an expression
*catcher puts 1 finger down*
*pitcher shakes head*
*puts 2 fingers down*
*nods*
(catcher to umpire)
“can we take a break? he has to poop”
When I was a boy we had to invent snow before we could walk 15 miles through it to get to school.
I’ll never just put the seat down; the lid’s going down with it. If I gotta work, so does she.
Him: You’re not the sharpest tool in the shed, are you darlin?
Me: HOW DARE Y… Wait, did you just call me darlin
I want to open a pizza shop called “Cheesus Crust!” Our slogan will be: “Heavenly ingredients, served hot as Hell.” -or- “Crust has risen.”
me: hey it smells like upmanyoudontneedcouplescounselling in here
therapist: what’s upmanyoudontneedcouplescounselling?
me: haha right on, cya guys
wife: wha-
therapist: omfg he’s so smooth why would you ever wanna leave him?
ME: i wish girls would flock to me
GENIE: ok
ME [a pumpkin spice latte]: SON OF A
Be the reason why your priest clutches their rosary when they look at you.
When I’m King, people who say “based” will be the first to go.
Me: i’ll have a Dr.Pepper
Waiter: is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: is he a doctor?
ME: babe i don’t think the acid we dropped is working
GIANT BLUE OX: are you sure
My tumbleweed is never where I left it.
To me, the worst part of the prostate exam is when the doctor says, “Guess how many fingers.”
I’m pretty sure I made one of those “If we’re both still single” pacts with someone. I just wish I’d written down his name.
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
DATE: I want someone that’s mysterious & really into nature
ME: [leaves]
If I ignore life will it go away?
A 17-year-old can win a gold medal at the Olympics, but I don’t have enough energy to go to the grocery store and the post office on the same day.
[god creating seahorses]
angel: any more ideas for animals?
god: ok, what if tiny saxophones could swim