Sorry I dressed up like Captain Caveman when you asked me if I wanted to go clubbing.
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I sexually identify as the toaster you want to bathe with.
7: Dad what does this word mean
Me: Bring me a dictionary
*Smack up side the head
Me: Now go google that shit
“Let’s tape a spider to a lobster and scare the shit out of everyone forever.”
-God making scorpions
A lot to unpack here…
But…girl rabbits don’t either.
Also…does Christ lay eggs?
If the police don’t escort you out of Applebees then is it really a good date?
[answering machine]
“Hi Mom, leave a message”
Hitting people with a metal yard stick while wearing a “SOCIAL DISTANCING OFFICER” badge is now perfectly legal.
You could tell Nigeria parents you’re going to a friend’s funeral & they’ll still ask you how many times they’ve come to yours. 😂😂😂
Him: Is that a horse drawn carriage?
Her: I can’t quite tell
Horse: *sobbing* Well you try holding a pencil with your hooves
[the inventor of corn chips]
What if knives were delicious?
I don’t usually sing Adele, but when I do, it’s usually on the toilet in the middle stall in the men’s washroom at work.
I lost my camouflage wallet, so if you happen to see it, then it’s shitty camouflage and I don’t want it back
My mom could not make it over for dinner tonight…. Anyone want to come over and sit at the other end of the table and keep yelling out “stop eating so fast Tony”
decorating my apartment
Made the mistake of ordering chlorine for the pool and researching Kenya so I’m tweeting this from what appears to be a windowed black van.
vaccinated, but claiming unvaccinated for antisocial purposes
I couldn’t work at Popeyes… I’ll be walking around my whole shift with drumsticks and thighs poking out of my pockets…
The Moon: *exists*
People: It’s your fault I stole a police horse and rode it naked through the Montgomery Ward that one time
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I unfollow you.
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I block you.“A Game of Phones”
PC: You quit improperly.
ME: You froze.
PC: Next time quit properly.
ME: I didn’t quit.
PC: You lost your data.
ME: YOU lost my data.
PC: Would you like to send a report to Microsoft?
ME: That you fucked up?
PC: That’s not how it’ll read.
ME *reboots
PC: YOU SHUT DOWN IMPROPERLY.
Roe v Wade is my favorite bitter controversy about the best way to cross a small river.
Two days after I bring my newborn daughter home from the hospital:
22 month old son: When’s she going back?
Me: Back where?
Son: To her house at the hospital.
Me: She lives with us now.
Son: Mommy, you’re not making
good choices.
I can sing all the words to the intro song of DuckTales, what’s your flex?
discontinue use and talk to your doctor if you experience death, as this may be a sign of a more serious condition.
Next time someone knocks on your bathroom stall say “Sorry, I’m with a client.”
Judge: I sentence you to life in prison
Defendant: NOOOO MY ONLINE PRESENCE
Pastor: pray for your enemies.
Me: Dear god, please kill all of my enemies.
Pastor: no! Not like that!
Me: too late. I already said amen.
Me: Alexa, will you be my Valentine?
Alexa, robotically: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
“Your present is too big and weirdly shaped to wrap. Oh! What if I buried it in the yard?!” -me, genuinely, earlier today. Wife said no.
All I’m saying is the second guy to bungee jump was honest about his weight.