Wanna quit smoking? Wear boxing gloves. Can’t light them and you can beat people.
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Coral is stupid in my opinion. You’re a rock that can die? Sounds like the worst of both worlds but “you do you”
It’s funny how we all sleep differently. I sleep on my side My roommate sleeps on his back. My ex sleeps with everybody. That sort of thing
*leaves the kids w/ a new babysitter
*calls to check on the sitter
me: the doctor said i have to stay in bed
boss: ok how long?
me: just a normal bed
them: is that a real sword
me: why would i walk around with a toy sword. that’s crazy
If you work in an office trust that you have a nickname.
Everyone has a nickname.
If you don’t know yours, rest assured that it’s not very flattering.
Just ask Midlife crisis Matt over there.
Her: Penny for your thoughts?
Me: Oh. I was just wondering if pears ever became sentient, do you think they’d have body image issues?
Her:
Me:
Her: Can I have my money back please?!
I wish I took the same care with anything in my life as my dog does with choosing where to poop.
Being the father of teenagers means never trusting the tops of salt shakers ever again.
Friend: We adopted our dog one year ago.
Me: I always suspected that because it doesn’t look like either of you.
[superman saves a kid by stopping a train mid track]
reporter: you just saved the kid by using your super strength to stop the train.
superman: yes, yes I did.
reporter: couldn’t you just have used super speed instead and moved the kid out of the way?
superman:
reporter:
Just beat Eminem 4000 straight times at musical chairs by playing “The Real Slim Shady” over and over.
This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.
I followed the link to your résumé but it brought me to some website called FunnyTweeter..? Anyway Im laughin my butt off, youre hired dude
ME: *walks into a locksmith shop with hands cuffed behind my back* I was arrested but the cop let me go and he forgot to take off the handcuffs.
LOCKSMITH: Uh huh, sure, and you want me to—
ME: Can you scratch my nose?
Monday
[Job interview]
Them: “So what will you bring to the role if we choose you”
Me: *whips out kazoo*
Them: “NOPE”
Wife: What is that?
Me: Did you know killer whales are really the largest dolphin in the world?
Wife: I don’t care, just get it OUT of our pool!
Me: [whispering] Don’t worry, Dolphin Lundgren…she’ll come around.
Anytime I cannot find my kids I just go to the bathroom and wait for them to barge in
Have I done my taxes? No. Have I sent myself an email with the subject line “DO TAXES”? Yes, and that is half the battle.
My children wanted to play restaurant and are very upset because I told them my place does not allow kids
My son on the morning of his prom: “Well, it just occurred to me that I paid $130 to go to my school at night.”
[Christina Aguilera begins singing the lyrics ‘You Are Beautiful’ at her concert, notices me in the audience, and abruptly stops]
Here’s a poem in the shape of a Christmas tree. It’s called ‘Needles’.
December 26th is the sad day where I have to take the Christmas tree behind the garage and shoot it
Judge: Approach the bench.
Cat Lawyer:
Judge: pspspsps
How do I form meaningful friendships as an adult without enrolling in grad school or joining a cult?
What do you call a cow that eats your grass?
A lawn moo-er.