doctor: I’d like to give you something to help your anxiety
me: whose side are you on?
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[first date]
ME: That’s a pretty name.
CASSIE: Thank you!
ME: Is it short for Casserole?
[home schooling, day 1]
Me: I know this is hard.
12:
Me: I know it’s frustrating.
12:
Me: But we’ll get through it.
12:
Me: Now explain this math to me just once more, I’m very close to understanding it.
I block people for being stupid.
…I block a lot of people.
I put my fake Christmas tree up in record time
then compulsively fluff it for a month.
The earth moves 1.6 million miles per day. So no I didn’t just “lay in bed and watch TV all day” I traveled very far thank u
Her: Did you see that science has developed bed sheets you never have to wash?
Me: Huh. I thought I already owned them.
There are 3 certainties in life
-death
-taxes
-anxiety anytime someone asks me what I’ve been up to
dog: why can’t I see colors?
me: you’re visually impaired.
dog: what’s impai?
*3.5 thank you very much.
Dear marketing people: Please stop calling things “chocolate” if I can’t eat them. Thank you.
Thanks to smartphones, the toilet has been transformed from a place of quiet reflection to my remote business command center. I’m not avoiding work. I’m literally getting shit done.
If you’re a size 0 we shouldn’t be able to see you.
Recommendations needed. My 12 year old hasn’t had a phone for long but he’s somehow managed to smash the screen. Can anyone recommend a reputable place that will replace 12 year olds?
Kinda cool how Earth is the largest planet in the whole world.
Nothing sexier than when a man pulls you close, looks deep into your eyes, and puts a Babybel in your mouth.
Bad luck, Atheists named Christian.
My niece told me there was a cute guy checking me out at the coffee shop. So naturally I kept my head down when I passed him and banged my elbow on the way out
Human: we have a color named after you!
Salmon: really? is it silvery blue like my outsides?
Human: no, uh–
Salmon: wait why is it pink?
Human: …
Salmon: WHY IS IT PINK
Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.
ME: i need to talk to you about something kind of awkward
GENE: what is it
ME: hygiene
GENE: hi kev
[Jesus on a blind date]
Christians: “Hmm, you seemed whiter in your profile picture”
Save a horse, ride a wave of anxiety.
5 told me they read Pinocchio at school and that Pinocchio’s nose got big if he lied, then she looked at me and said “wow mummy you must have lied a lot”
I wasnt home for a few days and somebody taught my cat Karate
1st snow: let’s play in the snow!
2nd snow: let’s watch movies about snow.
3rd snow: let’s move.
I just heard an add on the radio stressing the importance of healthy muscles and it inspired me to bend my elbows more while eating cake.
Instead of presents, give your kids “presence.” Then explain how homonyms can be hilarious. Then leave forever.
If there’s a kid acting like an adult in your ad I will not buy your product and I’ll buy your competitor’s product even if I don’t need it.
Sorry I brought my own turntables and tried to battle your wedding DJ
Snail Boss: under skills you’ve put ‘quick reflexes’
Snail: [2 hours later] that’s right
SB: [3 hours later] holy heck, when can you start?