Friend: Just be generous and sophisticated
Me: Got it[Later]
Date: I’ll have a glass of wine
Me: No *winks at date and then looks at waiter* bring the whole box
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“hello pretty lady.” [i slide down the bar] “what’s your name?” i say as i casually toss a peanut in my eye.
Puts fitbit on dogs collar. Throws the ball around. Sits on the couch and eat chips. Wins all the challenges
Me: You can watch me shower, but if my husband catches you he’ll kill you
Spider:
[GUYS WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE]
Guy1: What should we call it?
Guy2: How bout ‘Hot Spot’?
Guy1: Nah..
Guy2: How bout ‘Fireplace’?
Guy1: Duuuuuuuuude!!!
I was an aspiring ninja until the ankle cracks made it impossible.
[dinner party]
GF: [to rich guy] So what do you do?
RICH GUY: I race horses for a living
ME: Do you ever beat them?
My wife just said that Twilight is better than The Lost Boys. I don’t think there’s a jury in the world that would convict me.
I finally found my wife’s hiding spot for the Girl Scout cookies. Turns out they were in the cabinet like she showed me right after we bought them
“Behold, a 3 headed cat” “um, its just 3 cats taped together” “Behold, a 12 legg…*tape rips, one cat runs away*..errr 8 legged cat.”
me: do you think i’m too stoned to drive?
my cat: yes
Me: “Can you please help me with my Tinder profile? I’m not having much luck”
My wife:
What is the difference between a girl and a pool table?
You have a shot with a pool table.
How is it that tomato sauce can stay hot for 16 hours but bath water can only stay hot for 48 seconds?
Me: No guts, no glory.
Skeleton: Wow, I’m like right here.
the reason there are no time machines arriving from the future is that in the year 2040, the contract to make them goes to Boeing
Hotline for families: 407-246-4357 #Orlando
He jumped out of the airplane wearing nothing but the hand knitted parachute that his Nanna made especially for him.
Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
#TrueStory
[my mom pretends to answer her phone] hello? oh hi Batman…i dunno if he’s eating his vegetables or not
me: [mouth full of broccoli] i am!
I need a pain relieving patch that covers my whole body
3: Daddy, please don’t do that joke anymore.
Me: Which one, buddy?
3: Any of them.
My husband is lecturing me on cyber security which is hilarious coming from someone who has imslimshady1234 as his password.
If you had to decide between being fat and rich or poor and skinny, what bridge would you sleep under?
I just yelled “WAKE UP,” to which my 4 year old responded “WHYDONTYOUPUTONALITTLEMAKEUP,” so no one question my parenting ever again.
Just sayin’ cowboys are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between cows and boys.
*puts pancakes over eyes like cucumber slices*
My daughter spelled America “Merica” on a book report so now I’m searching her room for Trump campaign propaganda.
Times are tough, my daughter just repossessed a paper airplane she made me, over a quarter I owed her from yesterday
roses are red,
what happened to “yeet”?
are we still dabbing?
heyooo send tweet.
Why would I spend $5 on a bag of apples at the store when I can wear warm fall clothes in 88° weather and pay $36 for our family to pick them ourselves.