[to tall guy in front of me at the movies] dude at least face the screen
You Might Also Like
When your boss asks you “do I look stupid to you?” it’s a rhetorical question
I know this now
Therapist: do u communicate with your kids?
Me: my son stays in his room all day & never speaks
Therapist [looks at notes]: the 5 week old?
i thought lingerie was a type of noodle
Went to Target to buy a ball for Scrappy and walked out with a cart full toys for him and Julio, now they’re fighting over the boxes.
Aladdin: 🎶I can show you the world-
me: I’m cold this is boring
My daughter had a friend who comes over that makes my other kids look less weird. I wish she was here more often.
date: “i like dangerous guys, are you dangerous?”
[thinking about the amount of plugs i have in one outlet behind the tv]
me: “yes i am”
Due to traffic, I didn’t show up on time for the start of my wife’s art opening and so for the rest of the evening she introduced me as her late husband.
I don’t like swiss cheese because a block is like half air and I prefer cheese to oxygen
Probably the worst part about being a penguin is after you’re in an argument, you’ll try to waddle away angrily but still look adorably cute
[dumping jar of pennies in front of the IRS]
How much not jail can I get with this many moneys?
On my way to Mordor
you nerds need anything?
[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here
Had trouble sleeping today. They added a trumpeter to this morning’s church service.
*exits the van with a bag of candy and a new puppy*
I expected that to go differently
I have a habit of 5 starring bad movies on amazon because if I wasted 90+ minutes on that crap, I want you to suffer too.
Imma just leave this here…………
Everyone thinks it’s so funny if my 2yr old rips her dress off at a bday party but if I do it then it’s “inappropriate” & “we need to talk.”
I’m eating this banana sideways so my husband doesn’t get the wrong idea.
[Bartending]
Girl: I’d like a martini, make it virgin
Me: ok, I’ll make it, just stop calling me that
Took a woman back to my apartment last night. She was disgusted and refused to come inside. Oh sure, it’s cool when the Ninja Turtles live in the sewer…
Ok, time to dust off the Christmas decorations. One year I must try taking them down.
I had dreams. I wanted to be the heiress on the terrace. Instead I’m the grouch on the couch.
[phonecall w criminal]
FBI Agent: keep him on the line for 2 more minutes
me: ok.. *twirling phone cord* no you hang up. haha no you hang up
What do you call a man with no car???
…an Uber.
Wrote a manifesto using Google Translate so if I ever murder someone I can plead insanity.
Me: I found this video of a great team-building exercise.
Boss: This is a Hunger Games DVD.
Me: [nods]
I bought my friend a fridge for their birthday. You should’ve seen their face light up when they opened it.
JOKER: Why so serious
ME: Have you seen the news?
JOKER: Ok fair
Damn what did I do next