“Let’s see what the internet says, shall we?”
-my kids, fact checking me
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Not to be racist but all of my kids sound the same on the phone.
genie: you can’t wish for more wishes
me: okay, i wish for the best contract lawyer in the world
genie: okay weird but *poof* here’s alan
me: hey alan, find some loophole in this genie’s bylaws that gets me more wishes
alan: *to genie* this is the fifth time this month
Jesus: hey cheer up it’s nearly FriYAY!
judas: actually know what, I’m good now
Me: Go to bed
4-year-old: But I have questions!
Me: You’re stalling
4: I need to know!
Me: What?
4: What if I meet a talking doughnut?
I never believed in having a life coach until my 4yo advised me that I should always carry a spare pizza under my hat.
I swallowed an ice cube yesterday and still haven’t pooped it out.
I’m getting really concerned.
The baby’s favorite food is strawberries and she calls them, “the babies.” We got looks in the store when she asked loudly to eat the babies
I gave my Yorkie a haircut today. Now I know how lion wrestlers feel.
Me: Magic 8-Ball, am I stupid?
Bowling Ball:
i hate you platonically
ME: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
TINDER DATE: LOL no, that’s my pug, Arthur
*silence for 10mins*
ME: is Arthur coming or
Woah! I can move stuff with my mind. Like, my legs.
Me: I said you can’t eat candy.
4-year-old: I’m not eating it.
Me: I see it in your mouth.
4: I’m just storing it in my cheeks for later.
me: is there anything i can say to stop you from leaving
wife: no
me: no
Making snow angels but it’s just me rolling around in pizza cheese.
I haven’t been in my bathroom ever since my daughter told me she had “done a number four”.
When I eat a rotisserie chicken it scares everyone in the car I’m driving.
I’m an adult. I can eat a cupcake for breakfast & call it a muffin if I want
Usually takes me two or three tries to correctly aim the remote at the TV, if anyone was thinking of challenging me to a duel.
Oh your gums are bleeding? I brush my teeth so hard my hand is bleeding
According to my cousin’s diploma, he graduated from an “Institute of Fine Farts” because I just made an adjustment to it with a sharpie.
I’m pretty sure Morgan Freeman was narrating while the universe was being created
*6 hours of Russian roulette*
Me: “I think I forgot to load a bullet in this gun.”
Oh that’s not nicotine stains on my fingers. That’s mustard. I don’t smoke anything besides ham sandwiches.
Sorry, but your password must contain an uppercase letter, a number, a haiku, a gang sign, a hieroglyph, and the blood of a virgin.
Me to my husband: Why do you insist on bringing that up? That was in the past.
Husband: It just happened.
Me: But it was in the past.
Husband: It was five minutes ago.
Me: In. The. Past.
Mad Max: Furry Road
operators are standing by to ignore your call
[girl at a restaurant starts choking on her food]
me: [to the waitress] I’ll have what she’s having 😉
me: if there are any spirits here, pleasant yourself to us
ghost: bro did you just say pleasant instead of present?
me: oh no
2nd ghost: lmao this idiot said pleasant
3rd ghost: pleasant
4th ghost: pleasant
5th ghost: pleasant