“LMAO WHO DID THIS” — me as a homicide detective
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i absolutely refuse to drink any tap water till it’s gone though my brita filter that i haven’t changed in 5 years
You’re doing a great job looking at your phone
My dad was calling the cat bad so my mom said, “She’s not meant to be good. She’s meant to look beautiful.”
You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.
Stay friends with gravity while you can, kids, because one day it will turn on you and make your face look like it’s eating itself.
Shoe repair guy: so what happened?
[cut to me trying to flush myself into the Ministry of Magic from my toilet]
Me: I stepped in a..puddle
A ceiling fan? Not before I visited the Sistine Chapel, I wasn’t.
Me: Oh God help I’ve been stabbed in the tummy
911: how old are you?
Me: 38
911: omg
Me: what
911: 38
Me: what
911: tummy
Me: just send help
911: ok tummy sending you an amby wamby
10’s teacher: Your son has excellent grades
Me: Cool
Teacher: And a very sarcastic sense of humor
Me: *tears up* I couldn’t be more proud
I don’t drink alcohol, I drink spirits.
I’m not an alcoholic, I am spiritual.
when movies add that accordion music to scenes set in Paris, they’re actually trying to cover up the fact that every cafe in the city is constantly blasting songs from Now That’s What I Call Music! 4
Parenting tip: from now on, buy only spaghetti-sauce colored clothes.
Driving to work, and I just reached down to touch my leg to make sure I have pants on.
Bomb Squad: it’s going to explode if anyone makes any sudden movements
Officer: oh no
Hostage: oh no
Kool Aid Man: OH Y
Mugger: “Give me your wallet and watch.”
*hand over my wallet*
Me: “Okay, I’m watching.”
Him: Don’t get your panties in a bunch.
Me: It’s called a bulk pack, Todd. That’s how Costco sells them.
My dog stopped digging after I told him he’s just gonna end up in China.
Room service: Would you like your glass of wine before din…Me:(interrupting) YES.
I’m jealous that when an athlete gets injured it makes headlines. I need that kind of attention. “We at ESPN are reporting that Ron stubbed his toe on a table and when he went to look at it he hit his head on the table”
St. Valentine’s Day is my favorite holiday that’s named after a massacre.
Childless friend: “My kid will NEVER -”
Me: [Dabs her mouth with toilet paper]
Her: What are you doing!?
Me: You just have a little bit of bullshit coming out of your mouth right now.
If you want to intimidate anyone with your screaming and honking, you may need to rethink those reindeer antlers on your car.
-Sorry I was sick and missed your party.
-It’s next Saturday.
-Sorry I’m going to get sick and miss your party.
I was worried my kids would never know the joy of a commercial break, and then we got Hulu
Everyone has their talents. Mine is picking the grocery store checkout line filled with people who apparently have never gone through a grocery store checkout line before in their life.
The Fat Girl’s Guide To The Zombie Apocalypse:
If you see me running & there’s no ice cream truck in front of me..you should run too.
[on first date]
Let me get that for you.
*holds door open*
“May I help you, sir?”
Yes, my lady would like your finest soft taco supreme…
Whoever says Paper beats Rock is an idiot. Next time I see someone say that I will throw a rock at them while they hold up a sheet of paper
me: god made me weak because he feared what i could do
my wife’s boyfriend: it’s okay bud, you loosened the jar for me
Kids will take 47 minutes to put on their socks and shoes then want someone to time them to see if they can take a bath and brush their teeth in 90 seconds.