I drive an extra five miles on my way home from work so I can access my mailbox from the drivers side.
You Might Also Like
How do I form meaningful friendships as an adult without enrolling in grad school or joining a cult?
[sees a shredded guy at the gym]
Me: cake tho
I like to sleep naked. I don’t understand why airlines have a problem with this.
Updating my 2014 MacBook and you would think I am diffusing a bomb. It’s been two hours and the fan is going so hard it sounds like it’s preparing for take off
As a fun surprise I am teaching the neighbor’s cat to operate a motorcycle
Was at the park with the baby, and another parent pointed to a kid doing cartwheels and said, “Remember when we could do that at that age?”
Lady, I was icing my knees after recess when I was 7.
Don’t we all.
[Calls boss]
I’m gonna be late…
“How late?”
*Cut to me trapped inside a tiny house made from Lego*
I’ve no idea to be honest with you…
You can make so much more soup if you use your washing machine.
the early bird gets the worm & so does this dance floor of unsuspecting wedding reception guests when my jam comes on
i’m so old i’m almost back in style
My morning commute was hectic today. I tripped over a dog toy and almost spilled my coffee. I made it to the couch safely though.
Ten days without sweets and I’ve already blocked 2367 people.
“You’re not so tough now, are you, Batman?”
~ Drunk guy who punched a nun.
My type is 12 pt Helvetica.
If he has cleaning supplies but has a dirty house, he’s a murderer.
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
Me: “How much for your top of the line masturbation chamber?” Sales person: “You mean the shower stall?”
WebMD: you have all the diseases
Dark WebMD: and here’s how to spread them
“It’s important to remember Snitches get stitches”, I whisper to my 5 year old nephew as my sister asks who drank all of her wine.
911: whats the emergency?
∞: hi, i am 8. i have fallen and can’t get up.
[reading horrorscope] “More horror today”. That seems right
dog: i saw u out there
me: what?
dog: i saw u pet the neighbor dog
me: i was just–
dog: did u rub his belly? DID U ASK IF HE WAS A GOOD BOY?
[bar on St. Patrick’s Day]
him: SLANTY *clink*
me: I think you mean sláinte
him: no, slanty is how I stand after I drink Irish whiskey
If my next of kin takes a nap..
Can i call him Napkin?
Why be part of the problem when you can be all of it?
Ouija Board: Sorry that I never responded to your text.
Every time you think Florida can’t top itself. BAM!
I showed my 4 year old a picture of myself with her brother when he was little. “Aww,” she said, “you looked so young back then.”