Dear Amazon, I bought a toilet seat because I needed one. Necessity, not desire. I do not collect them. I am not a toilet seat addict. No matter how temptingly you email me, I’m not going to think, oh go on then, just one more toilet seat, I’ll treat myself.
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Today, I’ve been debating what my next tattoo will be. Then my neighbor decided to set off fireworks in the middle of the day for the 3rd day in a row.
So, teardrop tattoo it is.
Play Sharknado for an old person and tell them that it’s a live news broadcast.
There is a mile long line of cars stopped ahead, but go ahead and honk at the guy in front of you. It might help.
if your name is Christy and you’re fighting a custody battle in Orlando. fire your lawyer bc I found your whole case file at the bar last night.
I cooked a new recipe for dinner and my 6yo ate it. If you need me, I’ll be out buying a lotto ticket because today is clearly my lucky day!
My husband ate the rice I cooked for our new puppy and long story short his bags are packed.
[God creating bears]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but you really shouldn’t
Every time I buy something now
✉️: thank u for buying the thing
✉️: we have several more like it!
✉️: remember when u bought thing
✉️: ✨❤️4️⃣Day-Anniversary✨
✉️: wow that day u bought the thing
✉️: please do not forget that day
You can tell A LOT about a Woman’s mood just by looking at her hands…
…for example…If she’s holding a gun? She’s probably pissed.
The fact touche and douche don’t rhyme bothers me.
I think I may have accidentally sprayed my fairy godmother with Raid…
Age is just a number until your 10yrs younger husband says “your hair today makes you look like Uncle Jesse’s girlfriend” and you think he meant from Dukes of Hazzard but he meant Full House and needless to say he’s now your ex-husband
So, Tim Cook came out of the cloud?
Your baby might be adorable, but so is my cat and she cleans her own butt.
This is one of the best videos to ever exist.
Wife: pick a Halloween movie to watch.
Me: Harry Potter.
Wife: that’s not a Halloween movie.
Me: then why does it have witches?
Wife:
Me: and spells.
Wife:
Me: and flying broomsticks.
Wife: pick another movie.
Me: fine. Harry Potter number 2.
Brain: What day of the week did the 1st calendar day ever fall on? Do the math!
Me: Seriously?! It’s 2AM and I’m leading a meeting tomorrow
date: so what do you do?
me: *recalling how I deface every mesh window covering I see with Sharpie* I’m a screenwriter
Being the tallest person at work, leads me to believe they hired me because they were short staffed.
They say a mind is a terrible thing to waste. You have nothing to worry about.
Her: Tell me what you want
Me: A burrito
Her: No!! Tell me what you want in bed
Me: Oh! *gets in bed* a burrito
Was it that frightening to gift newlyweds a ceramic cast of my fist?
I was reading a book with my 7yo where a teacher was getting married and INVITED ALL HER STUDENTS and then the students started SECRETLY PLANNING THE WEDDING to help out and I was so stressed out like “wtf, how is this gonna pan out, these kids don’t know how to hire a band”
The amount of people I know who have disliked me because someone told them to is staggering. Like dude, give me a chance… I’ll give you a reason. I promise.
You don’t scare me. You’re not an omelette I’m about to flip.
Hey y’all, I finally got a smart phone. I’m a big girl now!
Anyone got a 5 year old I can borrow to teach me how to use the damn thing?
After spending the last week stealing cars and killing people I just found out GTA had missions.
I hate it when I wear my favourite red cape and don’t get eaten by a wolf.
I’m fckn weak!!!!!! 💀
THE TITANIC WAS A REAL SHIP??????