(At a funeral)
Im so sorry for your loss. I know how it feels to lose something you love. Last year Taylor Swift took her music off Spotify.
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In the Flirtatious Period, the dinosaurs did a hell of a lot of winkin’…
I get more excited seeing my luggage on a baggage carousel than I do seeing a person I know.
I heard that no real accountants were consulted during the filming of the new movie The Accountant. They want the movie to be entertaining.
The final dance in Dirty Dancing, but they’re dancing to The Muppet Show theme tune.
Fun Fact: The one thing that married couples always agree on is that most fights are started by their spouse.
I hate when doctors knock before they come in. Like what do you want me to say “who is it?”
I bought a new cat tree for my cats and they are just having the best time playing in the box it came in.
leaving hand sanitiser and a thermometer gun out for santa this year instead of milk and cookies
My daughter put on a princess dress and asked if I had any “play pretend” outfits so I put on workout clothes.
Shoplifting condoms call that seizing the means of protection
I didn’t realize how much I loved Ben Franklin until my son said “all he did was invent electricity concepts with that kite and key” – I said HE INVENTED SO MUCH MORE, YOU TAKE THAT BACK
If you excel at something, people love it until they don’t. But you won’t know when that will be until after you take out a mortgage.
We grew up so poor we could only play duck duck.
The list of “unfriendly” countries designated by russia is almost identical to the list of countries where there is drinking tap water. You can make your own conclusions, but I think that russians just don’t like tap water.
I forgot my glasses so I pointed to a random spot on the menu and now I’m hoping for the best
I found a YouTube video that addresses a question I have, but I can’t skip the ad, so I have decided to muddle through life not knowing the answer.
Requiring everyone’s clocks to be the same is communism. Let the free market decide what time it is
Dentist: You grind at night.
Me: Oh, game recognize game.
Twitter is like a dog: There’s always someone who loves you for you… there’s also always someone who just peed in an inappropriate place.
*opens assassination store*
*makes a killing*
I’ve had 3 new bosses at work in the last 6 months.
I wonder when they’re going to bring me in for questioning.
I should move the bodies.
I have a disorder where every time I leave my house I spend $100
interviewer: can you explain the 5 year gap in your resumé
me: yes
interviewer: are you going to?
me: no
A lot of childhood characters weren’t so much beloved as there wasn’t anything else on the tv
“Adults are lame. After they have kids, they never do anything exciting.”
-my son, blaming the victims
I love travelling because I love to check if I have my passport every 3-4 minutes 🥰
[Asking for Sanctuary at the church]
Priest: your girlfriend finally heard that La Cucaracha horn you put on her car?
Me: yeah
hackers play passwordle
podcaster 40 mins into an ep: okay, so let’s just dive right in
[princess gets captured in a castle]
[princess breaths a sigh of relief cuz she knows 2 short Italian plumbers]