humans only use 10% of their treadmills
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On the 5th day, god was hungover & didn’t feel up to much so he created worms, shoelaces & spaghetti, then punched out just after 1pm.
Sometimes I cross things off my to-do list that I haven’t done.
To remind myself that I control the list.
Boss: Remember to only use your new laptop for job related things
Me: [Using laptop to search for a new job]
me: 867-5309… and this is your REAL phone number?
her: yeah, sure
Date: I like old fashioned guys
Me: I have polio
When the ex asks to be friends… it’s like your mum telling you that your dog is dead but you can keep it.
wife: Feeling better?
me: Yeah
wife: Kind of overreacted to a cold didn’t you?
[flashback to me calling the Make-A-Wish Foundation]
me: No
I hope google does well on my son’s test
Men say they love it when you get wet for them, but then complain when you flood their entire house.
if I am elected governor I will eat your pillow while you sleep and unlike my opponent I will also do it if I am not elected
[Me chasing 12 greyhounds round a race track]
YOU’LL GET TIRED EVENTUALLY. THEN I WILL PET YOU!
Dude came through my broken gate and told me he was a fencer. He seemed shocked when I stabbed him in the chest like, on guard, dude
[text]
H: I’m at Lowes, how wide is the door frame?
M: I measured, it’s 35 and then 3 little lines after a big long line.
looking for new reply guys.. mine are sleeping on the job
My toddler saw Santa for the 2nd time this season and when he asked her what she wanted for Christmas, she quit smiling, looked him dead in the eye, and told him, “I already told you”. And that was the moment I realized that I’m going to have to get so much better at lying.
Hockey is more enjoyable if you pretend they’re fighting over the world’s last Oreo.
*has hiccups for 30 seconds*
MY LIFE IS PURE SHIT
If dogs take after their owners, I need to work on my posture.
“One of you will betray me” is such a dramatic thing to say at dinner????
My wife is now fully vaccinated so [uses her as a human shield wherever we go]
[proposing to my Karate gf]
Me: So, will you marry me?
Her: I’m not sure….
Me: Dojo breakin’ my heart, LOL
Her: Now I’m sure it’s a no.
@XplodingUnicorn LOOK WHAT ARRIVED TODAY!!! SO EXCITED!!! *Dances in place*.. 😊💃
People often argue the great realism painters of our day and somehow leave out Wile E. Coyote, and his tunnel on rock phase.
Guy Who Invented the Jet Engine: this will revolutionize the travel industry
Guy Who Really Hates Geese: yeah that too
Stops eating carbs and loses 25 pounds in 3 months.
Starts eating carbs and gains 25 pounds in 3 days.
Imagine the things Wile E. Coyote could have done if he’d had access to Amazon Prime Days.
_ _ _ _ _
The category is “Down on the Farm.”
Contestant 1: Pat, I’d like a an “T.”
Pat Sajak: Sorry, No T’s. Actually, no consonants.
Old McDonald: I’d like to solve the puzzle
10: “Did you know Saturn was discovered in 1610?”
8: “That’s not a real year.”
Every news show is like “are you actually seeing what you’re seeing? We’ll ask an expert and a liar!”