Client, “I should have known this marriage was going to fail when he hid my engagement ring in a gas station taquito.”
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I’ve had 3 Red Bulls today and now I can taste my heartbeat.
Why’d they call it “The Empire Strikes Back” and not “Cool Hand, Luke”?
I love the smell of cut grass and the sound of unknown footsteps in my attic.
[reptile bar]
SNAKE CHARMER: Well ain’t you a cutie
COBRA *blushing*: tee hee
SAM:
Say! I like green eggs and ham!
I do! I like them, Sam-I-am!
I did eat them in a box.
I did eat them with a fox.
I did eat them in a house.
I did eat them with a mouse.DOCTOR:
So, what seems to be the problem?SAM:
I am pooping here and there.
I am pooping everywhere.
If I was haunted by three spirits, one of them would definitely be tequila.
no one will tell you this but the secret to looking hot in photos is looking hot in real life
Took me some serious legal wrangling during full quarantine, but the nursing home eventually allowed my 86 year old mother to hitchhike to my state once a week to change my bedsheets. LOVE WINS.
*puts on pickle costume*
*gets stuck in pickle costume*
*calls friend*
Could you please help me?
I’ve gotten my myself into a pickle.
Reading that the economy is good while perusing 1 bedroom apartments being rented for 5,000 dollars a month and looking at jobs that pay 31,000 dollars a year.
Faces YOU Make ON The Toilet lol (o_o) (>_<) (0_0) (^_^)
Him: What’s your sign?
Me: Dollar
Husband: Why is there a bucket on the roof?
6yo: what bucket? An orange bucket? I definitely wasn’t playing with an Orange bucket.
Husband: I never mentioned the color. 🧐And this, kids, is why we don’t talk to the police without a lawyer present 🤣
Whatever I was born in like 10 mangers
on our farm rn we have 16 regular ducks. and then we have reginald. reg is 4lbs of pure hatred in the approximate shape of a duck. he is the duck god of chaos. every night he refuses, with violence, to go inside his coop, despite loving it in there. i hate him but i respect him
Detective: Thefts of geese from the local park have continued. Who wants to look at the report?
Me: I’ll take a gander
Detective: *eyes me suspiciously*
gonna make a dog training school and call it harvard so people who went to harvard always have to say “no the one for people”
Dear ppl in rl, yes, you’re right. Social media is nothing like socializing in rl, but let’s see you try muting someone by a single click.
Why do they tell you a towns population when you drive passed it. Oh 4000 people live there? That’s perfect. I actually need 4000 people
An alarm clock that texts your boss for you the fifth time you press snooze
Me single at 22: calls dibs on a hot guy.
Me single at 37: calls dibs on the biggest slice of pizza.
No One:
No One’s Date: Are you always this quiet?
Man next to to me just said into his phone “You caught me in the middle of a sandwich.” He’s lying. He is not in a sandwich.
Letting my son turn the pages when we read together so he’s more engaged with the story and also because sometimes he accidentally skips pages.
Every recipe should include ingredients, instructions, and which local restaurant delivers last minute
[1994]
Me: 2020 is gonna be wild. Flying cars, robots everywhere, a technologically advanced utopia.
[2019]
Me: Ayyy my toaster can play the Goo Goo Dolls.
WIFE: *filing for divorce*
ME: Are you mad at me?
Am I religious? Not really.
Am I praying nobody else pukes tonight? Lord yes.
Remember when that really cute guy held the door for you at the book store? He doesn’t.
If I had a jet pack I would look AWESOME dying within the first 2 minutes of having a jet pack.