Me: sobbing in the shower
Everyone else on the Bath aisle at Home Depot: eerily quiet
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1938:
“It’s a bird!”
“It’s a plane!”
“It’s… Superman!”2013:
“Is that a drone?”
“Yeah, it’s probably a drone.”
Wife: you’re so damn forgetful!
M: oh nonsense!
W: ok, did you get the cat food?
M: WE HAVE A CAT??
With less than 1 day to go..
Mummy, I want everything that is art in the whole world for Christmas. Ok?
don’t like how strawberries have their seeds on the outside. kinda freaks me out. put a shirt on u little weirdo
Me[seeing snow for the first time]: Damn, that rain is thicc!
Things to say instead of “I hope this email finds you well”
-I hope you reply quickly
-Now, pay attention
-I hope many things but life isn’t fair
-Listen in
-Let’s do this!
-I will say this only once
-Your hair looks nice
-I’m tired, let’s get this over with
-Here we go again…
When I’m eating shared nachos I’m always thinking 3 nacho moves ahead of my opponent.
No one girl should have all that power. 😂
People who like to ask, “What do you like to do for fun?” are the reason I carry an air horn in my purse.
I realized if I whisper at Alexa, she whispers back
I wish it worked on everyone
My perfect date would be a hike in the mountains, and her telling me all about it when she gets back.
“40 times.”
“What are you talking about?”
“That’s how much greater my sense of smell is than yours.”
“Okay, so what’s your point?”
“My point is, Dave, we really need to discuss your personal hygiene.”
You politely tap a jogger with your car one time, and suddenly you get labeled a hero.
Alexa, put me to sleep
“soon you will sleep with the fishes. In the meantime, here are ocean sounds”
my wife came home from church and caught me and Gary trying her jeans on again .
I’m “had to actually call a girl on the home phone to ask her out while hoping my mom didn’t pick up and start dialing” years old.
The concept of “raining men” is a terrible thought and I wouldn’t be surprised if it happened in 2020.
@DaddyJew @funTweeters
Alarm: I have boyfriend
If you don’t laugh EVERY time my phones screams..
“BRING OUT YOUR DEAD!”
We probably won’t be hiding a body together any time soon.
CIA Agent: First you’re gonna cry, then you’re gonna talk
Me: I’ll never talk
CIA Agent: [puts on the Notebook]
[two hours later]
Me: [crying] he-he just loved her so much you know?
CIA Agent: [also crying] wanna talk about it?
So, turns out the fig leaf is not appropriate apparel for the modern office, even on dress-down Friday. Who knew?
Son: Smell me. Do you think I should shower?
Me: Yes.
Son: But you didn’t smell me.
Me: Yes.
me, after making no effort to address a complaint: how about now
I do not want “thoughts and prayers.” I want “chips and salsa.”
OMG, GODZILLA IS COMING TO ATTACK NEW ENGLAND AND WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE-oh, he said huge blizzard, not lizard… Carry on then.
[christmas break with my extended family]
*me in Oprah voice* YOU NEED A THERAPIST AND YOU NEED A THERAPIST! EVERYBODY NEEDS A THERAPIST!
I use a headshot from 2008 on my LinkedIn to prepare future employers for disappointment
“Bjork” would make a great name for a beet-based pork substitute.
Don’t act like you’ve never used a pair of binoculars to try to peer through another pair of binoculars.
I still have a toilet paper stash leftover from Y2K.