I went on a walk today through a hiking trail. And I can’t be certain, but I think nature touched me. It was gross.
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Satan’s greatest trick is convincing you he’s not real but there’s a quality drop-off after that. No. 2 is pretending his thumb is your nose
A skinny friend told me she’s never hungry and just ‘forgets to eat’, so I drove her out to the woods and left her for dead. Is that wrong?
He died doing two things he loved: making a toast sandwich and taking a bath
Who hurt you ?
Me: Monday.
(Face painter at kid’s birthday party): …and what shall I paint on your face?
Me: Enthusiasm.
You are probably horrified by my wardrobe
Turns out my cleaner is on Elm St
Should not be a surprise
“What are you going to be when you grow up?”
Tired.
The answer is tired.
Promises so empty, you thought it was your bank account
The people at this winery are acting like they’ve never seen someone pull a rotisserie chicken out of a purse before.
Hell hath no fury like me when I’m ranting and someone interrupts me with rationale.
*sets cauldron over crackling fire*
*adds lock of his hair*
*does magicky stuff*Now love me.
**POOF**
*my left eyebrow falls off*
NYT: No, we did not make Wordle harder. We promise.
Also NYT: Today’s Wordle is KHYBX — which everyone knows is a popular 11th century Latin delicacy derived from quicksand extract. Duh.
My password is ELEPHANT. It may not be the strongest but I never forget.
“Hi yes I’d like to attempt the Cheeseburger challenge”
“Very good sir”
[ripped as hell cheeseburger runs out of the kitchen & bodyslams me]
Why is it like a quirky thing that Biden likes ice cream. Call me when he starts eating a bowl of whole peppercorns
me at a party:
*eats*
.
.
.
*attempts to calculate the socially acceptable amount of time before going back to graze on the spread*
.
.
.
*repeat for duration of party*
.
.
.
*make sure to stop by the food one last time before saying goodnight to all*
.
.
.
*go back once more*
* My life flashes before my eyes*
Me, a mom: Why did I only see laundry?!
Watched golf for two hours
before realizing that
the TV was off.
My 4yo thinks you age a whole year in one night, so she’s scrutinizing me closely for any changes today. I’m tempted to put on a bald cap or blacken out some teeth.
[koolaid man typing into webmd]
My pee is red.
Therapist: What brings you to couples counseling?
Husband: [rolls eyes] My wife says I “exclude her.”
Therapist: Where is your wife by the way?
If a puppy stabbed me in the face and stole my car, I’d still be like, “aww.”
[GRAND CANYON]
WIFE: Isn’t this incredible?
ME: It’s ok.
WIFE: Were you expecting a thousand canyons?
ME: I don’t want to talk about it
Do those “selfie sticks” retract, or do you just have to walk around like a doofus with a stick all day?
Get in, octopus. We’re gonna open jars and do some taxes.
“Nothing there? Better bark at it.” – a dog
My grandfather tried to warn them about the Titanic. He screamed and shouted about the iceberg and how the ship was going to sink, but all they did was throw him out of the theater.
ME: you said I could have anything I wanted for my last meal
WARDEN [bottom lip trembling]: but my wife made these sandwiches for me
Want to know what it’s like to have kids?
1. Gather everything you own.
2. Throw it all on the floor.
3. Pick it up.
4. Repeat for infinity.
[music store]
me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: sir, that’s a mandolin