There are now more photos of girls in bathroom mirrors than there are of the entire 1940’s.
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Always keep a dog eared book on your nightstand so that people think you know how to read.
According to my laptop, my New Year’s resolution is 1680 x 1050.
[first date at restaurant]
ME: so, do you like dogs?
HER: no, not really-
ME: [already at home watching Netflix petting my dog]
After I dropped my daughter off at college, my youngest son said “We’re finally empty nesters. Let’s start traveling”.
*hypnotists breaking up*
four years Greg. FOUR fucking years and not ONCE have I been feeling very sleepy
I like to go the extra mile and then not come back.
My 4yo niece: “You’re fat”
Me: “Santa died”
Me: I think this is going pretty well.
Date: You dropped a chicken wing down your shirt and yelled ‘chicken breast!’
Me: *mouth full of pasta* mm-hmm
[traffic jam]
MAN: [rolls down window] Dude, why?
ME: [in the next car holding a rabbit as it repeatedly kicks the horn] It’s his birthday
Instagram’s down? What am I supposed to do with my cat? Stroke it?
My dog must think that the mailman just can’t take a hint
Me:
One of my moles: I shall grow a hair for you, master
[getting dating advice from my dad]
Just be yourself and don’t do anything stupid
“Well which one is it?”
[I open my lunchbox to find pair of wife’s underwear]
But that means…
[Cut to my wife opening her lunchbox to find a pair of my underwear]
I sometimes wonder if anyone I dated said yes because they were hungry
I’m just a girl standing here wishing I was as thin as my patience
[I show my phone to the taxidermied raccoon sitting on my apothecary shelf]
Can you believe this shit
a sea turtle lives for 150+ yrs despite threats from the moment she hatches and I will most likely slip in the shower and die from a bonk to the noggin
Me sneaking to the kitchen at 2am to get a peanut butter bar
*calls mom*
“Ma I made 3 friends on twitter today”
*long pause*
“Mom?”
*mom stares at 3 fake twitter accounts she made, fights tears*
“Mom?”
Woman: Ever since my mom passed, I think she’s watching over me
Mom’s Ghost: Yeah, that is the kind of stupid thing you’d believe
Soooo….. This what yall be doing huh🤣 🤣
Just heard a coworker say “yeah they’re trying to live bicuriously through their children”
Brought a stapler to a gun fight and now everyone is neatly organized into piles of corpses and sorted by height. The police will be pleased
Interviewer: How many words can you type a minute?
Me: Given a full minute I could probably type any word
i actually don’t have any problems, i only go therapy to brag
My uncle used to ruin every Thanksgiving with his drinking problem, but now he found Jesus and ruins it with that.
Co-worker: How are you today?
Me: *starts writing death threats on the wall in period blood.*
A guy said he fantasizes about me in a bathtub filled with Big Mac sauce and I said YOU’RE DISGUSTING AND DISTURBED and see you at 8, Brian.
i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 living in the year 2021looking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out