Her: How do you like your bacon?
Me: In bulk
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Shawty has them Apple Bottom jeans, boots with the fur, gloves with the skin, shirt with the scales, hat with the shell, belt with th
coworker: I heard the cafeteria is serving sundaes today
me stickier than usual: can confirm
I like crazy people until they notice me
I date waitresses so I can ask them if everything is ok when their mouth is full.
I support this random dude and all his protests
#winning
12 people have been to the moon and only 8 people have won Takeshis castle. Really makes you think.
How do German people not choke to death when they talk
I first learned the “bend and snap” on Legally Blonde.
But now I snap when I bend, and not in a good way…
when I was little, I always wanted to explore in my mom’s bedside table and she was horrified if I would even touch the drawer.
now I know it’s because that’s where women hide the good snacks
*warming hands near fire* In my day, we were tough. It would take you so long to get undressed after coming indoors that it was time to go out again. People lost hours, days. Some died mid-layer.
“Just act natural,” I say to myself as I purchase a spade and two large bags of cement.
Ask your Doctor if Adderall can help you vigorously scrub your floors and alphabetize your clothing instead of studying.
My guess is it’s either Geppetto’s workshop or a sperm bank.
Me *on phone to IT* it just says insecure and no special character
Him: ok so your password needs to be
Me: No no I’m doing an online personality test
My parents kept me humble by having 6 kids and regularly forgetting my name
“Just gonna take a little off the top” I whisper, scooping all the icing from your cake with my fork.
To be fair, if I had a friend who could turn water into wine – I’d worship him too.
You think it’s easy being a tall woman with a wide body this time of year? Do you know how many familys try to kidnap me and use me as a Christmas tree????!!!!
Wife: Do I look like I’ve gained weight?
Me: Not if I look from really, really far away, no
W: I despise you
My son asked me to teach him how to tie a tie but I thought it was just easier to give him the already knotted tie that has been handed down by the men in my family for generations.
If there was an Oscar category for ‘Best Female Taking An Imaginary Phone Call So She Could Hang Up With Her Mom’ I’d win that shit all day.
if you’re a young person, ask a middle-aged man what music they listened to in the 90s. let them talk for 30 mins. act interested and say “oh wow no way that’s so cool.” after that you can ask them for any favor
[at auto shop]
MECHANIC: can I help you?
ME: my car won’t start
MECHANIC: umm, that’s a horse
ME: because my car won’t start, are you even listening?
To the chimp I laughed at in a psychology textbook that was addicted to flushing a toilet again & again & again: I’m on Twitter now I get it
*opens your fridge and sees 2% milk* hey, your milk’s almost dead
This is your pilot speaking. We’ll be taking off shortly once our flight crew confirms that this is, in fact, an airplane
Wife: Well, they say a mirror adds ten pounds.
Me: That’s a cam-
Wife: …
Me: Yes. Yes they do.
kids are so chill, they never force you to eat vegetables, like their adult counterparts