When they announce
“all youths stay behind after church. Your Help is needed around the church premises”Me:
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Taking my daughter to scope out a university today and as she asked me not to embarrass her, I’m going dressed as Legolas.
Hangman is a lovely childhood game where you slowly draw a man killing himself if another kid can’t read your mind.
Christmas time is my Mom asking me what size shirt I wear and then telling me I’m wrong.
Neil Patrick Harris couldn’t host a tapeworm without a musical number. #Emmys
Barista: can I get a name?
Me: sure, you can be “ugly coffee maker man”
Barista: no for you
Me: I’ll be “handsome coffee drinker guy”
I just went to church and had communion. Ok it was a gas station and I had 2 donuts but I did say a prayer before scratching my lotto ticket
[god creating the beetle]
what if a bee and a turtle had sex
I just had a second grader do an impression of his dad, which included the statement, “I was born in 1990 and I had to grow up watching black and white tv because color tv wasn’t invented yet.”
Sir. 😑
Next time someone asks you how you slept,
close your eyes & say “like this” & just stay that way for like 8 hours!!!
[Barnes and Noble]
CASHIER: anything else?
ME: four barns and your finest noble please
CASHIER: get out
*guitarist breaks guitar*
HELL YEAH
*drummer throws drums*
YES YES
*singer stabs a bunch of guys*
OH MY GOD
*bassist plants a bomb*
STOP
I was really excited about my first Roomba fitness class last night. Not what I expected. Kinda sucked tbh.
[first date]
-so how do you feel about octopus?
Her: I like em
-Whew! [lets other six arms fall out of shirt]
My evil clone:[pointing to me] Shoot HIM, he’s the clone
Friend:[aims at the clone] The REAL Alex would never pass up an opportunity to die
After sitting in the labor and delivery waiting room chairs for 12 hours, I need an epidural as much as those women in labor do.
There’s no training in the world as physically and mentally grueling as trying to give medicine to a toddler
If I stalked you any harder, you’d be a missing person.
Me: I’ll have a scotch on the rocks with a twist
Bartender slides drink
“Your dad’s alive. He’s hiding in Cuba”M: Did NOT see that coming
sober: damn im too lazy to make any food tonight
after two beers: it’s time to cook all the spaghetti in my kitchen
I’m not saying I’m not physically fit, I’m just saying I went to yoga once and they had to call the paramedics.
Answering: How are you?
“Good”
-lame
-probably a lie
-will have you ask “how are you” in return“Not good”
-lame
-looks weak
-incites follow-up questions“That’s confidential”
-inventive
-sounds mysterious
-allows to answer follow-up questions with “that’s confidential” too 😀
old lady: that’s not necessary
me: [installing twitter on her phone] look lady i carried your bags, the least u can do is follow me online
The definition of insanity is me trying to dance like 80s Madonna when I couldn’t dance like 80s Madonna in the 80s.
One of these days I will remember I’m wearing a mask before trying to shove a straw in my mouth to drink something but today is not that day. Tomorrow is not looking good either.
Pronouns:
He
She
It
You
We
TheyAmateurnouns:
Whoozits
Whatsername
Thingamajig
*vague pointing*
Whatchamacallit
Dudes
Parenting pro-tip: don’t own nice shit.
Here’s the complete list of must have items for a middle aged woman when travelling away from home:
– Tweezers
When you want to key his car, but he doesn’t have one, so you bend his bus pass.
little kids always bringing toys with them and start talkin bout “can u hold this for me.” no i cant. thats ur shit. u only been alive a few years and ur already making enemies
The host of the UK Apprentice sounds like the villain a toothpaste company’s marketing department came up with