Zookeeper: This panda is on the rampage and I only have 1 tranquilizer dart
Me: it’s pandamonium!
Zookeeper: [shoots me right between the eyes]
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don’t have the heart to tell my third wife that Coconut by Harry Nilsson was also the first dance song at my first two weddings
THE WORLD WOULD BE SOOOOO MUCH HAPPIER IF EVERYBODY WAS A DUCK
Always treat your woman like a princess, let a giant turtle kidnap her.
married sext…
him: I’ll be home soon
her: don’t you threaten me
god: stop doing bad stuff
me: hear me out, what if i keep doing it but i feel bad after
god: that’s not the same
me: sorry ur breaking up
Government: “you need to post salary ranges on all of your job openings”
Companies: “okay, the typical salary range for this role is usually between $17,000 and $2,500,000 per year”
Asian women look 16 forever and one day out of nowhere look 159 years old.
Facebook: You have more friends on Facebook than you think. Me: You have higher expectations than you think.
Me: So anyway, I don’t know why people think LSD is so weird.
Three-legged, bright pink Griffin: I know, right?
Me: I like your top hat.
Andrew Garfield implies the existence of Andrew Nermal and Andrew Odie
When you’re cutting wrapping paper and your scissors start to glide is what I imagine heroin feels like.
Whoever invented popcorn deserves the Medal of Honor for not panicking after the first 45 seconds.
Whenever someone is about to tell me about their day, I just cover my ears and yell “SPOILER ALERT!”
For someone who dislikes Bill Gates, my dad sure does dress a lot like him.
I just saw a pizza delivery guy get in a terrible accident. I feel so bad. Someone’s just sitting around, wondering where their pizza is.
“What’s it like having a two year old boy?”
*throws a toy car at his face*
Like that.
[girlfriend texting me] so what are you gonna do to me tonight 😉
[remembers how she likes it rough] shoot you out of a cannon
Him: “Part of having a sense of humor is knowing when to show restraint.”
Me: “Yeah, but this is Twitter.”
Ruin your teenagers day by looking in their general direction.
I never believed in having a life coach until my 4yo advised me that I should always carry a spare pizza under my hat.
It isn’t a coincidence almost all movies about camping are horror.
For the last time, asking me if I want cheese is insulting. You could have said instead, much more meaningful things like ”Here. Cheese”
[Being murdered at Walmart]
Please will you dump my dead body at Target people can’t know I shopped here
We operate by one simple rule: if you smell it and you think it’s gone bad, I believe you. Further testing (by me) is unnecessary.
If your partner asks, “Do you love your phone more than you love me?”
Lie.
welcome back to invisibility class.
it’s pretty disappointing to see so many of you here.
You can lead a horse to water, but you probably can’t do it as well as Sneaky Gary, the serial horse drowner.
What do you mean you come from a dysfunctional background?
“Well my mom is a compulsive hoar-“
*gasp*
“-der. Wait, what did you think I was going to say?”
Sorry, I get easily distracted
I told my kids I’m not coming out of the bathroom until they stop fighting, I’m really looking forward to a long nap and some me time