People who enjoy salt & vinegar chips are a sturdier breed, more prepared for life’s challenges
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*medication may cause
– hair cramps
– tongue mold
– restless skin syndrome
– pomegranate ear
– swamp lip
– knee teeth
The only reason an IKEA kitchen will last you 25 years is because it takes 23 years to put it together
I don’t tweet about my boss because I don’t wanna be a suspect when he disappears.
My 3-year-old stubbed his toe and then cried and screamed I’M DYING,” so I silently looked at my husband and he sighed and said, “I know. He got that from me.”
As soon as I walk in, I can feel every woman at the gym dressing me with their eyes.
Twitter is like a very demented game of The Sims. Everyday I check to see how my people are doing and make sure they’re still alive.
heres my To Do List – become the new kfc colonel, mess with texas, invent a new animal just to piss off scientists
Mercury is in retrograde for 20 more days. Don’t sign any contracts. Have sex with whoever you want to.
🎶Dough; a base, a pizza base
Ray; a pizza deliverer!
Me; a guy, who eats pizza
Far; a bad place 4 my food!“Sir, place ur order or hang up”
This needs to be over soon because my husband is starting to realize I’m not out of his league.
*sees dead squirrel on the road*
Oh, poor squirrel.
*realizes it’s just a sock*
*whispers*
poor sock
First it’s not safe INSIDE, now it’s not safe OUTSIDE. Who benefit? Big door.
Guy: Must be hard being named after the hay Jesus was born on
Christian Bale: What?
10YO: [on her ipad] beat my high score!
ME: y’know they’re just numbers on a screen right? they don’t mean anything
[checks follower count]
All I really hope for at this point is to never be in a situation where my flight number ends up the title of a movie.
I get it, credit cards – I’ve reached my limit too.
“got milk?” buddy I don’t even have self esteem
happy mother’s day here is the result of my mom voice texting while talking to her dog
I may not know much about a lot of things, but this fact I’m sure of:
A smoke detector battery will never go dead during the day.
Priest: I wonder what ignited the Notre-Dame cathedral fire?
Quasimodo: I have a hunch.
Priest: it’s always about you, isn’t it?
7 years and 170,000 tweets later, all I can say is I’m glad this isn’t a gambling addiction.
cat: i brought you this dead mouse
me: no thanks
cat: then please accept this barf
me: i will not
cat: am i displeasing you?
me: absolutely
cat: [eyes narrow] good
me: i’d like to buy a data storage system
assistant: hard drive
me: yes the freeway was gridlocked
Through the drive thru speaker: would you like to try the chicken club
Me: [ imagining chickens getting down on the dance floor ] hell yes I would
I thanked my husband for favoriting one of my tweets and he said: ‘Ya that was an accident.’
I, too, am shocked Ted Cruz has had sex. I just assumed his kids were born when he ate after midnight and got wet like in the movie Gremlins
The wife told me to stop acting childish this morning and I really couldn’t say anything back, I wasn’t speechless I just had a whole donut in my mouth.
Always be kind. You never know who might own a hot tub.
*parachutes into your family BBQ*
I noticed you haven’t retweeted me in a while, but I see you had time to make POTATO SALAD…
A large part of parenting is pretending you don’t smell anything weird