“THE WORLD IS GOING TO END!”
2012: omg please no
2016: are we doing this or not
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there are only two portion sizes for mashed potatoes: nowhere near enough (posh restaurants) or far, far too much (literally everyone else)
My favorite deleted scene from Lord of the Rings is when Bilbo & Frodo discover they have a long lost hipster cousin called Douche Baggins.
Went on a family vacation and 80% of the pics are my 11yo looking like her dog just died
(Outside at dusk)
Wife: Lovely evening.
Me (Covered in mosquitos): Glorious.
Airbags should deploy in the form of balloon animals. Sure, you’ve been in an accident, but now you have a whimsical puppy dog.
Anakin: …is it possible to learn this power?
Palpatine: *grins* not from a Jedi. Which is why I use SkillShare. SkillShare is an online learning community where you can learn—and teach—just about anything. Get two months of Skillshare Premium for free with coupon code “SHEEV”
*trimming my nose hair in the mirror
You sexy beast.
Totally stoked to find some chicken in my chicken noodle soup
i dont have time for this
If you name a baby “Steve” you get to spend all day, like, “Yo, my man Steve shit himself and threw a potato at the cat.”
*Arrives at work 2 hrs late
Boss: HR wants to see you about your behavior
Me: Well, I literally just got here so it couldn’t have been me
detective: could you please describe the man who assaulted you
me: [first day as a police sketch artist but i lied on my resume and can only draw popeye] uh oh
victim: well he had large forearms
me: oh thank christ
Ugh, I may have lost my “World’s Best Dad” keychain. My 2 year old was playing with it an hour ago but I don’t know where she went.
I’d be a horrible stalker.. I’m always late
A master’s degree gives you the ability to speak with withering authority about why you didn’t finish your Ph.D.
“Please don’t do this,” I beg, as the hairdresser tries to start up another conversation.
Friend just told me she got a hair trim for $80. Told her my dog groomer would’ve bathed her, clipped nails & emptied anal glands for less.
When I was younger, I always wanted to become a Gregorian monk.
Unfortunately, I never had the chants
If you watch the Social Network backwards, it’s about a man gaining more friends and a girlfriend as he spends less time on Facebook.
Me: I’m going to eat healthier.
My 25 y.o. son: I don’t understand why, but okay.
Wife: your jeans are ruined. You filled them with cheese before putting them in the dryer again
Me: [whispering] ᴴᵒᵗ ᵖᵒᶜᵏᵉᵗˢ
*gives you dictionary for your birthday*
wow.. i don’t know what to say
“that’s why i bought it for you”
Saw a friend really drunk last night so I took his car keys from him. Felt good, he was so drunk I doubt he remembers who stole his car
I got drunk and went to an AAA meeting. It didn’t help. There were just a bunch of sober people talking about roadside maintenance.
Apparently yesterday was World Homeopathy Day. Homeopathy is so useless, even its awareness day doesn’t get noticed. Maybe they should try diluting it across several months?
Found my cat reading To Kill A Mockingbird. I told him that it didn’t actually involve killing birds, but he said he liked courtroom dramas.
me: if ur soulmate dies before u meet them do u get like a backup soulmate
professor: i meant questions about the midterm
My 7yo said she hurt herself, and when my 9yo asked her to describe the pain, she just yelled, “AAAAAAAHHHHH” 😭💀
The thing I like about Dawn dish detergent is that I can wash my dishes, my pets, my gentles, and my car with it, and still have some to drink later.
I bet kids who live in volcanoes pretend the floor is carpet