Murderer: If you correct my grammar once more, I’ll kill you
Me: But I couldn’t stop myself
Murderer: But you could of
Me: oh no
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The bad thing about subtweets is you can never be sure the recipient received it. That’s why it’s better to shoot them.
Things my dating coach and I are working on:
– holding doors open for the ladies
– no karate at the table
– my cursive
– incense sticks are not currency
– drinking milk with only one hand
– not doing jazz hands every time I toot
I’m a real gym rat (i go there at night and eat their garbage)
i started vaping to fit in with my friends, who are mostly steam whistles
First rule of brown girl club: Don’t wear pink & white striped shirts; you’ll look like Neopolitan ice cream.
in the office ordering extra garlic sauce with my lunch schwarma much like a skunk deterring predators
Me: They are tiny mints that live in a little plastic coffin
Boss: I said let’s talk tactics
Me: You shifted your bar to the rooftop from the basement?
Him:
Him: Yes, I raised the bar.
[Last supper]
Jesus: Same time next week guys?
*they all nod*
Judas: I’ll book a table for 12
Jesus: you mean 13
Judas: yeah..13, I meant 13
Someone threw a chainsaw at me this morning.
Definitely a first.
It was pretty cool.
WHY?!
teen: we need to have a serious talk about my curfew
me: did I tell you I started a new diet today
teen: *laughs nervously* actually my curfew is fine, totally fine, fine fine
I told my kid that the fish fossil was found 194 years ago. He asked if I’d found it. And that’s when he mysteriously disappeared…
DATING TIP: Don’t reply to texts right away or you might look desperate. Just wait. Give it 5, 10, maybe even 15 years. Keep things casual.
[throwes some foam packing peanuts into a pond]
“HEY! NO LITERING–”
shh wait
[a flock of rubber duckies float over squeaking excitedley]
Relax, everything will be fine eventually, for like 7 people
My son made us all hide then jump out and yell ‘surprise!’ for his birthday. If you guys aren’t planning the same for my birthday on Tuesday, it’s gonna sting
why do i pat the top of my sandwich like great job now you must die.
my brain: i hate that person
that person: hey that thing you wrote was great
my brain: they do have a lot of redeeming qualities
Judge: I’m disappointed to see you back in my courtroom.
Defendant: I’m disappointed to see you back in my courtroom.
J: Stop that.
D: Stop that.– repeat offenders
Taking my sunglasses out of 2’s hands while he naps in the car is the closest I will come to diffusing a bomb.
a horse standing on its tiptoes after seeing a giraffe
I love twitter
December birthdays be like…
DATE: I want to date someone that is really into nature
MY BRAIN: say you like hiking
MY MOUTH: I’m planning to go off the grid & move into the mountains to become a forest troll soon
Called my mom on FaceTime and had a heart to heart conversation with her magnified thumb
Egg nog was invented in Germany back in 1816 when Baron Von Heldebrandt reportedly said “Hey guys, let’s get this custard drunk!”
I really had high hopes for this year though
Politician: I love democracy!
Me: I’m voting for The other candidate.
Politician: not like that
one time i couldn’t go to church because i was too busy describing a grilled cheese sandwich to a police sketch artist