{the invention of maple syrup}
So, Jacques, have you ever sucked a tree?
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Life is like a box of chocolates, once you have kids it’s gone.
All those years of school never taught me the most important life lesson. Green gummy bears are strawberry flavored.
I wanna see this movie: begins with a car chase, but after the cars destroy a fruit stand, the rest of the film follows that fruit stand’s enraged owner as she takes revenge on the drivers. Walks the land, killing action heroes & villains, in the name of fruit stands everywhere
If there is no shredded cheese in my bra right now, I have failed
Not me, making rice krispy treats at midnight because my teen forgot to tell me she needed them tomorrow.
A guy on the street just said “nice feet” to me can someone tell me seriously if that was a cat call?
Therapist: Ok one more time. We’re gonna keep our friends close and where do we keep our enemies?
Me: …in the basement?
came home to find the cat drunk again. the dog of course said nothing.
Me: I made the best decision at that time with the information available
Narrator: he plugged his ears and said “la la la la” at the time
“I like big nuts and I cannot lie/Raisins, M&Ms I can’t deny”
-Sir Trail Mix-A-Lot
me on ellen
ellen: so i heard you love the ocean
me: ya
(the studio starts flooding)
me: omg ellen you didn’t
greetings!
I feel attacked.
Urgency is realizing you had Taco Bell last night and you are on the interstate, next exit is 75 miles away…
Your Scooby Doo Villain Name is “old” plus your gender plus your last name.
I used to think alcohol silenced the voices in my head until I realised it had just moved them to my mouth.
Announcer: In one corner, her will to live. In the other corner, her sanity. Let’s get ready to crumblllllllle
Me: what word would you use?
Interviewer: I’ve just never seen “higgledy-piggledy” on a resume before
My wife wants to be something really scary this Halloween so she’s carrying around a tape measure and asking, “is this a load bearing wall?”
The journey of 1000 miles begins with a single step. They never tell you it’s downhill and you’ll be wearing slippers when it happens.
No time to explain get in the wood chipper
I thought 50 shades of gray was just a makeup application guide for goth chicks
non-violent communication is so important in a relationship! instead of:
“you never take out the trash”
try:
“i FEEL like the spreadsheet i’ve kept for the last six months indicates you only took the trash out 3.2% of the time”
SKETCH ARTIST: *holds up drawing of a single bit of straw*
CAMEL: [in a wheelchair, tears in his eyes] That’s him!
Apparently, some customs agencies are saying they won’t allow shipment of anything called a “Flamethrower”. To solve this, we are renaming it “Not a Flamethrower”.
due to inflation you can now eat food that has been on the floor for up to 7.3 seconds
[First day as villain]
Me: [Emails a co worker and then calls them about it immediately]
Boss: Are you going to do any work today?
Me: Has it been optional this whole time?
The last time my heart beat this fast I was at my boyfriend’s parent’s house and the toilet water was rising…
-My best pickup line
Of course I know what it feels like to sleep with a restless elephant, I slept with my toddler last night