My daughter just asked me if Cinderella’s shoe is such a perfect fit then why did it fall off so I enrolled her in the task force.
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Put my fitted sheet and duvet cover in the washing machine for a death match to see which one swallows the other.
My dog is in a music video so needless to say he has accomplished more in life than I have.
most awkward objects to handle:
1. mattress
2. big sack of onions
3. dead guy rolled in a carpet
Lunch lasagna special on a round plate: $12.99
Lunch lasagna special on a square plate: $1,739.99
just having fun
Me: Boom! Drops the mic!
12yo: Nobody says that anymore Mom.
Me: Oh? What do they say?
12yo: I’m not telling you.
A Vampire Bat is easy to spot due to its funny accent and little silk cape
I just found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mother’s room. I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero!
for some *ridiculous* reason the french love to translate movie titles from english to… english
here’s a thread with my all-time favorites, starting with “the hangover”
…i mean VERY BAD TRIP
what idiot named it jurassic world instead of parks and rex
You: (about to show me a video on your phone)
Me: oh haha ya i’ve seen this already but def don’t ask me any questions about it
It was the best of times, it was the trying to get to the recipe at the bottom of a food blog of times
regrets?
[thinks back to the time i drunkenly watched Spy Kids 3-D & it forever ruined my netflix recommendations]
yeah i’ve got regrets
One of the downfalls of sleeping with a fan and then the power going out is your kid asking what that weird noise is and it’s just you breathing normally.
[pregnant with first child]
Wife: our daughter is only going to eat organic, non-gmo, non-processed foods and drink volcanic rock filtered water from the island of Atlantis.
[two years later]
Me: our daughter just licked Cheeto crumbs off the floor.
Wife: she’s fine.
[date]
HER: Do you want to have children?
ME: *leans in close* I thought you understood that I would be the child in this relationship.
Welcome to parenting. None of the pencils in your house have erasers on them now.
that earthquake in LA was actually a huge crowd of white girls rushing into a wal-mart to buy a green t-shirt last minute
“Kids, part of my comprehensive zombie apocalypse plan are these Tshirts to keep up with each other”
“Daddy, why do ours say appetizer?”
Using the toilet on the airplane means I’m certified to teach yoga now.
They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about glassblowing
[first day as lawyer]
me: obj—
judge: —shut up noob
all car guys agree that a dream car should be hard to get, expensive and fast as hell but get all pissy when I say “so the batmobile then”
[produce section, grocery store]
Him: *finding the perfect apple* So, is there a Grandpa Smith?
Cop: License?
Me: Here.
Cop: Sir this is a notecard with “Liscence” on it. And above that you wrote and crossed out “Lysense” and “Lisance.”
For the love of God, if you leave me a voicemail, don’t just say “Call me back.” Tell me what it’s in regards to so I can prepare my defense
dad: when i die, donate my body to science
[later]
me: *handing an urn to the first guy in a labcoat i see* uh here you go
Make your own “restaurant style” salsa by adding water to regular salsa.
A homeless man randomly asked me if I was from Minnesota yesterday, so I replied, “no, but once I stabbed a guy who grew up in Minneapolis”
“You took out 5600 turtles in Mario”
[me looking at god] is that good or bad?