Adopted a “failed” police dog who was given up for rehoming. Always been a brilliant addition to the family. Loving, caring, protective. Started to wonder why the cops rejected him. Then we took him to the woods where he saw a squirrel, got scared & ran head-first into a tree.
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According to WebMD, people are Sick & Tired of me
My kids are yelling and fighting, again.
I really should have Adopted a Highway instead.
“It was a different time.”
“It was this morning.”
“THAT’S A DIFFERENT TIME.”
It’s a painting of dogs playing poker because cats would’ve just knocked all the cards off the table.
i noticed you haven’t tweeted in a few weeks and just wanted to thank you
We need a streaming service that’s only ads. No shows, just commercials. They pay us $15 a month
The worst thing about marriage is how it makes you start snoring. I never snored when I was single…
My least popular conspiracy theory is that orchestra conductors don’t actually do anything. Some guy just shows up and says “okay I’mma direct you” and the musicians play the same but treat it like a Make-a-Wish thing and are like, “That’s great, bud, you’re directing so good!”
“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:
Clueless is my favorite movie about how rich people have real hard problems too
BOSS: I suspect one of you wrongly uses nouns as verbs.
Everyone turns around and stairs at me.
[first date]
HER: So do you prefer cats or dogs?
ME: *scanning the menu* I don’t even see them on here. What page are you on?
Me: I want a labrador but pet shops are so expensive
Her: Have you tried dog pounds?
Me: Yeah, but apparently it’s ‘not a real currency’
Instead of mistletoe, I should hang up green citrus fruits.
..so when I stand under them, I’ll feel sublime.
before camouflage clothing was invented, people would just stand still and make tree noises.
Got fired from my last job as a nightclub promoter because I refuse to break the first rule of nightclub
[Facebook Marketplace]
Me: Selling this guitar amp.
Guy: I will trade you another guitar amp for it.
Me: How does this make sense in your head?
“I can hear my annoying neighbor crying to Adele’s new song as she throws away her empty, clinking beer bottles.”
– my neighbor
I’m not exaggerating when I say if I ever clogged a toilet at work I would immediately quit, change my name, and move to a different city
Boss: we’re going to our cabin on the lake this weekend
Coworker: you guys have a cabin ON the lake?
Boss: Ya?
Coworker: must be wet hahaha
Been yelling i need a job at my phone for 6 hrs each day so that I get targeted ads about jobs. Now the jobs are looking for me.
Cashier’s playing dumb cause I said “venti” at a non-Starbucks. You know what I mean, dude, just point me to the biggest dildo you guys got.
Pretty sure I just heard a grown man wrestle a bear in a bathroom stall at Chipotle.
Goats that intimidate others are bully goats
I need all your thoughts and prayers, I’m fine, but my niece is staying with us and I forgot how many questions a 9 year old asks
me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose
plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears
me: I need to speak to someone else then
I’m about to go on a 6 day trip with 130 teenagers, including a 21 hour bus trip in each direction. Send thoughts, prayers, Monster, and bourbon.
[trying to stick a dollar in a vending machine]
vending machine: i have a boyfriend