4yo *holds out a play cellphone*
It’s for you.Me: Who is it?
4yo: Someone about an extended warnty.
Me: Son of a ….
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Actually, the past tense is ‘hanged’ as in ‘he hanged himself’. Sorry about your dad, though
There are 400 billion stars in our galaxy and perhaps two trillion galaxies in total, and I just wonder if Miss Universe fully understands her achievement.
Everybody needs a special place they can escape to.
*drives to liquor store
The real reason Darth Vader cut off Luke’s hand was because he touched the thermostat
waiter: do you have any questions about the menu
me: yes what’s the name of this font used for the meats
They are only bad decisions if you get caught
[being eaten alive by cannibals]
cannibal: is he… joining in?
Dog Mechanic: The repair is gonna take longer than expected.
“Why’s that?”
Dog Mechanic: The clutch is worn out, also because I am a dog.
Bumped into my Ex again. I should really move her to a different part of the freezer.
Me: I like naughty girls
Baby daughter: *pukes on the floor*
Me: Not you
Girl, are you a glass of water because I think you’re about to throw yourself at me.
me: babe watch me flip this omelette!
her: cool
me: now watch me kick flip this omelette!!
her: sick!!!
Instead of premarital counseling, engaged couples should be required to do a premarital home renovation project.
If I had to vote in the American election based on my gut, I’d choose pizza for president every time.
I get my vegetables the same way every other adult does…an iced carrot cake muffin.
When a woman has her husband’s last name, my first assumption is that they got married in their 20s. I feel like by your 30s, you’ve absolutely maxed out on paperwork.
Welcome to procrastinators club. The meeting will start eventually.
When I see a job ad that doesn’t have salary listed I send them a resume with my whole work history redacted
Of course I believe you are God’s gift to women.
He gave us periods and painful childbirth. Why not you too?
Happy Star Wars day!
“No thanks, I filled up on breadsticks.” – Eve to the Serpent in the Olive Garden of Eden
Some of you are calling yourself British but I haven’t seen you complain about the weather once.
Curious…
A stunning example of cloud iridescence, caused by small ice crystals scattering the sun’s rays, filmed in Narathiwat, Thailand.
Credit: Orawan Thongchinda
In Australia we say tuna not tuna fish because tuna cow and tuna chicken are not readily available here.
The older I get, the more I relate to those angry elderly people who go around biting others.
we’ve all been home together for a solid week now and my 6-year-old has expressed daily outrage about how the wh- in “whole” is different than in “when” and “why” and now i’m mad about it too
When you lose your phone and someone says ‘shall I call it’ like my phone hasn’t been on silent for the last 2691 years.
My 3yo just had the biggest meltdown and at one point he yelled “I’m going to sneak out of my room in the middle of the night and barricade the kitchen and so nobody in the family can eat food ever again” and I just don’t know. No parenting book could have prepared me for him.
They’re playing loud country music outside the liquor store.
Like that’s going to dissuade me.
It’s true. Parents that use drugs, have kids that use drugs. So, there’s an important lesson here…
Don’t have kids.