Detective : Where were you on the night in question?
Me: Wut?
Detective: Don’t play dumb with us.
Her: Oh, he’s not playing.
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Having allergies is so embarrassing. Could I have some medicine? I’m being bullied by the air.
Parenting is watching a foreign object fly into your coffee, sink out of sight, and drinking it all anyways.
My husband cleaned the kitchen for the first time in years. He’s in the living room , dressed in a suit, waiting for the award ceremony to commence
Hear me out. Organ harvest festival.
Online dating has its good points. You can choose your own name, lie through your teeth and you can’t smell their breath.
Plot twist. When giving birth, women can finally understand how it feels like for a man to have a headache.
You put the shhh in bullshhhit.
If anyone ever saw me trying to zip up my jacket I’m pretty sure they’d make me repeat third grade.
Just found out my birthday is the same day I was born…
Life is crazy…
My son cried when I gave him his breakfast this morning. I made him scrambled eggs, covered them in ketchup & told him it was Humpty Dumpty.
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
If you love Batman, let him go, because Batman Returns.
“Billie Jean” is probably my favorite song about someone named Billie Jean
i’m gonna start telling men i know a spot and it’s just me dropping them off at therapy
Once I get this cortisone cream on it’s gonna be all over for you itches.
Old MacDonald had a walkie talkie, Echo India Echo India Oscar.
Velcrow
What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A nervous wreck.
#HatDadJoke
I get told that I’m salty, and my mirror tells me I’m mostly fat, so I guess love me since I’m basically bacon.
there are many humans in the household right now. and they all seem to have snacks. so i’m going to convince each and every one of them. that i have not eaten. in several weeks
Drafting a lengthy preamble to a meeting I’m running helps to set the tone, provide context, and guarantee that I’m never asked to run a meeting again
[ date ]
her: i have a PhD
zombie: *jaw falls off*
Video games have given me an unrealistic expectation of how easy it should have been to get sneakers on a hedgehog.
Friend: listen to me, I’ve been on plenty of first dates. I know what I’m talking about
Me: well if you’ve been on plenty of first dates, you can’t be very good at them.
“No use crying over spilled milk” was coined by someone who didn’t have a 3yo who played with her milk. They didn’t have to deal with asking the 3yo to stop playing with her milk. And they def didn’t have to clean the spilled milk.
So you’re damn right I cried over spilled milk.
I used to be so graceful, now I am like a puppy with a box stuck on her head
hotel guest: what room am I in?
me: this is the lobby
manager: can I talk to you
So you’ve had white presidents, a black president and now an orange one. I’m crossing my fingers for the Hulk next time around.
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not taking myself!!
[forgetting the word unfrosted]
do you have any khaki flavored Pop-Tarts