George Clooney and Brad Pitt fall in love and rob casinos together.
#ExplainAFilmPlotBadly
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Me: Just so you know, I’m on a juice cleanse now.
Friend: Long time?
Me: Since lunchtime.
Friend: Until?
Me: Happy Hour. Please bear with me through these difficult hours.
Trying to get healthier, I took up shadow boxing. I’m getting a lot better at it, but so is he.
I want a job waking people up that I dislike.
Or I guess I could just get married
Jesus Christ, google you’re gonna get him killed
*My 9YO wants you to RT*
Broccoli and carrot are driving down the street and get a flat tire.
Broccoli: We’ll have to use asparagus.
During cavity search:
Whoa buddy! What part of “friend zone” don’t you understand?
Walmart customers are classless.
You shouldn’t drink Cabernet from a Pringle’s can.
Those cans are meant strictly for Pinot Noir.
[job interview for garbageman]
interviewer: I like your enthusiasm, you’re hired
Three raccoons in trench coat: [ecstatic chittering]
My dad is at it again
[christmas eve]
SON: i’m gonna stay up late and catch santa claus!
ME: listen kiddo, about santa
SON: yea?
ME: [whispering] he could snap u in half like a damn twig
SON: what
ME: he’s wily too. like a jackal
Quarantine prank. Be careful what you wish for…😂🤣😭💀💀
Can you imagine how rich Adam and Eve would be right now if they would have held on to that Apple stock instead of eating it and incurring the wrath of God?
my new hobby
creating totally reasonable units that somehow upset people
– kiloLiters
– megameters
– milliinches
If you haven’t learned to use overlapping circles to demonstrate relationships Venn vill you?
Monday: Greg
Tuesday: Ian
Wednesday: Greg
Thursday: Ian
Friday: Greg
Gregorian Calendar.
[first day after lying on my job application]
me: can we pull over at a mcdonalds or something
co-pilot: what
“DOC TELL ME STRAIGHT”
doc: u got lou gherrigs disease
*cops barge in* ur under arrest
“FOR WHAT”
cop: mr gherrig reported a missing disease
[after putting a fake mustache on an elephant]
FRIEND: You seen my elephant?
ME: no
FRIEND: [eyeing elephant] Maybe this fine gentleman has
Did you know you can replace Sweet Child O Mine with Sweet Glass O Wine and it makes for an even better song
boss: why are you so late?
me: why are you so obsessed with me?
Me: *barges into the room*
How dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
[on date]
Him: Honesty is very important. Be upfront about things. We have to trust each other. It’s how love works.
Me: I’m Batman.
If I ever get remarried, I am walking down the aisle to the theme song from Jaws.
[Signing waiver for the show Cops]
No no, you don’t have to blur my face but how about a sweet mustache?
[the long awkward silence between me and my date is suddenly broken by the sound of toast popping out the toaster]
me: “dinner is served”
“I’m practicing self care” I scream at the buffet waitress as she tries to wrench a whole steam tray full of lobster from my hands
Me: I’m depressed
Doctor: I’m going to inject you with dog DNA
Me: How will that help?!
Doctor: Who’s a good boy?
Me: I AM
I would love my job so much more if I didn’t have to hide my flask.
Wife: I want a divorce because your enthusiasm’s turned into bitter sarcasm
Tony the Tiger: great
her: that lion is charging
me: hang on [googling] our escape velocity is its distance divided by its speed, then add
her: ok it has my leg, now what