Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: *is asleep
Netflix: why are you like this
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Permission to use your hammer, your honor
It’s a gavel
Permission to use your gavel
Denied
*looks longingly at pile of walnuts & sighs*
Growing up,
I knew my Mom meant business when she started yelling words I didn’t know existed.
Remember when we had to smack the TV because the channel wasn’t coming in clearly?
I feel that way about far too many people.
her: I’ve packed my bags. I’m leaving you
him: ok but you’re gonna need more than just bags
There’s no graceful way to shove a chocolate truffle in your mouth during an important Zoom meeting.
They say your home is your castle.
But the second you build a dungeon in the basement someone inevitably calls the cops
I don’t mean to brag, but I’m extremely talented with my lips and tongue.
*Whistles The Andy Griffith Show theme song flawlessly*
Me (drunk): I was over served tonight
Friend: aren’t you home alone?
Me: OVER SERVED!
I’ve gained a couple lbs so I went and bought some new granny panties and I’ve gotta say if there’s a fire at our house my 7yr old can use those suckers to parachute from the top floor to safety.
I forgot my cell phone at home and had to write my grocery list on paper. I shopped with it in my hand like some kind of a carrier pigeon.
@Lottie_Poppie I’m at my ideal weight. If I was a baby blue whale
When people ask me for directions Im just going to do a really slow sarcastic Macarena .
Celebrating a year since my bike got stolen and the wee boy put it on FB marketplace that evening and I stole it back the next day.
If you pregnant, dont swallow bubblegum….. it stick to ya baby hair….
Me: I’m sort of a chicken magnet
Him: Don’t you mean chick magn-
*sounds of distant bawk-bawking*
Me: We have to go NOW
[“Platonic” male friend rams car through my bedroom wall]
I heard you broke up with your girl. You ok? Ready to give men a try now?????????
I like to piss my husband off by using the switch right beside me rather than screaming at devices all over the house in codes I can’t a remember and a voice they don’t listen to, recognize, or understand just to turn one goddamn living room lamp on.
Me: [bursts into wife’s meeting] BABE, IT HAPPENED!
Wife: Dave, I’m at wo-
Me: I paid for 6 [empties chicken nuggets on table] I got 7
there should be an opposite of valentine’s day where you post instagram photos of your enemy
I think I stand a pretty good chance this year. I hear the Simpson kid is down two more toes.
I’m so disappointed when I help my kid with her homework and she brings it home marked incorrect.
Not to brag but the guy working at the liquor store said I looked like I didn’t need any help.
Like an octopus negotiating a roomful of toddlers, I negotiate a roomful of toddlers.
it’s amazing when it’s ur birthday 🙂 u really feel the love from family, friends, lovers, former dentists, yoga studios and various smootheries
One of my greatest fears is my alarm clock learning how to defend itself.
Mugger: “Hand over your wallet and that ring you’re wearing.”
Me: “You can have my wallet but I’m going swimming and I need the inflatable to help me stay afloat.”
computer: choose new password
math teacher: algebra
computer: password must contain numbers
math teacher: algebraXY
You look like the kinda person who eats the DO NOT EAT silica packets
I’d like to say I have a yoga body, but it’s really more of a Yoda body.
Resist all the cheese, I can’t.
cashier: ORDER FOR GRANT
me: oh cool
cashier: 25 TACOS READY FOR GRANT
me: ok here I am
cashier: 25 TACOS TO BE EATEN SHAMEFULLY IN THE DARK READY FOR GRANT
me: hey, I’m right here
cashier: 25 TACOS REPRESENTING FEELINGS OF INADEQUACY READY FOR