I made this sign for a broken stepladder at work & honestly I think I need to make one for myself too
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FRIEND WHO JUST RECEIVED MAGICAL POWERS: idk what I should do first
FRIEND WHO IS TRAPPED IN AN OIL PAINTING FOR SOME REASON: I have an idea
According to my wife’s new feng shui consultant, I need to move out.
Wife: What do you want to do for Cinco de Mayo?
Me: *sits on the couch and scratches in Spanish*
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, his eyes were closer together than that, like a concussed mouse. He had a Spanish skeleton.
[watching a sex scene with my parents] You guys ever try that?
“If the landlord asks, you’re a Chihuahua.”
The mother went through her daughter phone and the lil boy her daughter was texting just went off on the mom 😂 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
10:00: gets in hammock
10:00 to 10:20: relaxes in hammock
10:21 to 11:57: gets out of hammock
Funny how “It just broke” was a common excuse of mine as a child that I never had to say again until I got married.
The way your stick figures take up your whole back window tells me you need a bigger car and a class on condoms.
When a woman says she’ll be ready in 5 minutes, I know I have just enough time to fly to space & finish building my Death Star before we go.
I took my 5 year old to the office on Take Your Kid to Work Day.
As we were walking around, she started crying & getting very cranky, so I asked her what was wrong.
As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed, ‘mommy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with??
God: where’s your horn
Unicorn: i sold it for drugs
God: throw this fucken horse in jail–the invention of zebras
I always take my fingers out of my ears & clap after each karaoke song performance.
Probably should schedule my next dentist appt for this week since I ate some street corn last night and this may be the only time I floss this year.
Alexa: remind me to feed the baby
Me: oh wow, do I detect just a hint a peppermint?
Cellmate: *stabbing me in the neck with a Candy Cane shiv* what is wrong with you?!
If your date is holding up their pants with a conveyer belt, they might have a lot of baggage
it’s extremely weird how many reporters are turning in long-read stories about how fabulously wealthy jeff bezos is when it is pretty well known that editors are only really interested in pictures of Spiderman
Narrator: Here we see the
Me: Here we see the
N:…gazelle in
M: the nature program narrator
N: THE GAZELLE IN ITS
M: WHOSE FOREHEAD VEIN IS
Just saw a woman in Starbucks who was 10% scarf and like 90% boot.
Travelers diarrhea is my favorite illness. You cheat at basketball you get what’s coming to you.
When everybody knows my name I’ll find a new place…
Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection.
Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way.
Mechanic [looking the other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection.
If by loaded the dishwasher you mean did I just take eleven shots of tequila, then yes, the dishwasher is loaded
As a kid my mom laughed at me because I was always worrying about being shot with a crossbow while on the toilet. Well who’s laughing now?
The lead singer of Nickelback tried out for his school Christmas play, but he never made it as a wise man.
When you swallow a spider in your sleep, eat some dead flies the morning after to ensure the spider gives you a positive Trip Advisor rating
[shampoo bottle falls in the bath]
all other bottles: WE ARE COMING FOR YOU, BROTHER
Apparently, when you supply HR with a urine sample, it has to be because they requested it.