operators are standing by to ignore your call
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Who’s the idiot that named it a Brazilian and not a Tropical Smoothie?
Laundry:
Washing – 30 min
Drying – 1 hour
Putting away – 7 to 10 days
wife: where are the beans?
me: i made phones with the cans.
wife: can i talk to you in the kitchen?
small voice echoing from the kitchen: you can now.
Customer: can I pay with my phone?
Me: no we need dollars
[stranded on Mars journal]
day 1: rob and I have enough oatmeal to last us 300 days
day 2: I ate rob
I’m at an age where I don’t spring into action.
I dead of winter into action.
I wish Teachers were treated like pro athletes. Million dollar contracts and tenure bonuses.
Pro model erasers and chalk. Showered with Gatorade when the whole class passes.
You know it’s a BBQ type holiday weekend when there are a thousand people in the spice aisle at the grocery store just staring at the spices
It’s funny, when I walk into a spider web I demolish his home and misplace his dinner yet I still feel like the victim.
A butterfly just landed on the tip of my cigarette & exploded.
What in the hell do they put in butterflys?
“you could save money if you just stopped going out so much”
You severely underestimate my ability to spend money staying in
I always fear that oneday I will enter my house and find a thief, knocked out unconscious by the things fallen on his head from some closet
They say it takes 10,000 hours to become an expert at something. Please. You wanna know expertise? I’ve spent over 300,000 hrs being a moron
“Ooh January’s been going on so long, when will it end?” Well now it has and what have we got? February. Well done you idiots
I bet when David Hasselhoff gets too drunk he roams the streets screaming “KITT!” When he can’t find his car.
I have a coworker who clears her throat every 30 seconds…. each day I ask myself… is this the day I’m going to prison for murder?
I just sung Mariah Carey’s “Hero” to myself because it seems no one else in this house can put a new roll of toilet paper on the thing.
Doctor: Please step on the scale
Me: No weigh
I may be a chaotic mess, but then so is quantum physics.
Some jerk called me “pretentious” so I called him a “planktupus.” I can make up nonsense words too.
Ibuprofen, youbuprofen, weallbuprofen.
I got scolded by the gyno for not being able to leave a pee sample, but if I’ve learned anything as a mom it’s to always use the bathroom before I leave home
Guy at the Acme Corporation: Ah, some dog in Arizona wants to buy a rocket launcher. I’ll send him a really shitty one
Once upon a time (today) I had to help with pre school homework
Me: -holds up yellow
Me: What color is this?
4: McDonalds
The end
[looks up from laptop while updating résumé]
son, you’re good with computers
“I’m alright”
how do I find pictures of mean looking dinosaurs?
Gonna say don’t look a gift horse in any orifice
someone’s job on Star Trek TNG was sourcing ridiculous little cups and they were incredible at it
I don’t like coconut so I don’t eat coconut. I don’t follow coconut around criticizing its texture or taste or tweets or sense of humor.
Goldfish are the only pets with the decency to die just as the novelty wears off.
Me, to teenage son: You just keep trying and trying until it eventually goes in
Wife, whispering to me: What the hell were you teaching him about
Me: USB sticks
Wife: Oh thank god