Sorry about the mess, but cleaning really chips my nail polish.
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I was in the first Top Gun movie.
I was the Marine actually working out in the background while the Navy took time off to play little volleyball games.
My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.
When someone says, “I haven’t seen you in forever,” a fun response is, “I know, we’re really not that good of friends”
Comparing yourself to others
“Baby, I’m in the bedroom waiting for you”
Now I got your attention, let me show you a proper way to make the bed.
You know what goes great with helping your kid with math homework?
Vodka
Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?
It was a classic Cinderella story: I walked into strangers’ houses and made women try on a shoe I found
rip st. patrick, you would have loved green day.
Wife: Valentine’s day is right around the corner.
Me: No worries, so is Wal-Mart.
Cancer: Expect a minor shakeup at work this week when you find your boss eating what’s left of Gary.
Had a tiny prick in my gums today at the dentist
Anyway, thought of you
If a girl has magnetic personality and still She can’t attract the desired boy.
Then that means the boy has iron deficiency.
Let’s talk about my ability to hold a grudge. Back in ’78, a friend of mine bought me an album by The Rolling Stones, but she opened it and recorded it first. To this day, I refer to her as “Kathy, you know, the one that opened that album…”
If you’re dying, and have recently lost your car keys, take the opportunity, as your life flashes before your eyes, to try to spot them!
I saw a horse last week and didn’t immediately say ‘horse” but it finally came out today in the middle of an important meeting and everyone thought I was brain storming
I get it February, I can only leap about once every four years too.
My crush suddenly stopped texting me today. Either she is in the gravest of danger or she spontaneously decided she hates my guts. Those are literally the only two things that could have happened.
Hates everyone who has a cooler birthstone than mine.
GOOD COP: Give us a name!
PERP: Never!
TED TALK COP: Imagine a world where every single human has-
PERP: Okay I’ll talk, please just stop!
My husband asked if I know the attractive, young woman who jogs down our street every day around lunch and this is one way to lose an office with a view.
when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok
I saw my therapist’s notes and instead of using my name he just refers to me as “the combatant”
I prefer my cornbread like I do my jokes: Corny and on the dry side.
Shaved my legs today
RIP drain
Hitting the brakes, I instinctually reach my arm out in front of my passenger seat as my mother did before me. It’s ok, I whisper to my travel Doritos, you’re safe.
A vampire can’t enter your home without being invited. But that doesn’t apply to sheds. (One of those bloodsucking pricks stole my weedwacker last week.)
He always wanted a woman that would devour him whole like a gas station roasted chicken.
She always wanted a gas station roasted chicken.
I’m so pleased the basket I put in the bedroom so my husband has somewhere to put his shoes is making it easier for him to put his shoes next to it.
My 5 year old hasn’t said a word in the car after I convinced him that the volume control on our stereo ejects his car seat.