You wouldn’t know her, she goes to a different pandemic.
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Can someone call my keys? I forgot where I put them
My neighbors just got new wind chimes. Guess who is going to have their wind chimes stolen tonight?
Studying abroad: Spending months in another country.
Studying a broad: Spending months Facebook stalking Ashley.
PROLOGUE: This novel is based on a true story
AMATEURLOGUE: This stuff is like for reals or something
I’ve been wondering why a “fat chance” and a “slim chance” mean the same thing.
*heist at the louvre*
Me: *jiggling handle* crap it’s locked
When I can’t find my car keys, I’m grateful for the most helpful suggestions like “Where did you last leave them?” and “They’ll turn up”.
I applied for a government job today and accidentally sent the wrong resume. This early display of incompetence should work in my favor.
I forgot the word for stylist and called it looksmith.
doctors in 90s: really try to limit your screen time to 4 hours a day
doctors today: please for the love of God find a 10 minute stretch in your day where you’re not looking at a screen. actually nevermind. just do whatever you want. have some adderall
*offers Batman cough drops*
[commercial for toilets]
°a man is walking around his house picking up turds°
There’s got to be a better way
jason: may I tell u something?
me: anything baby.
jason: for the last year whenever u get drunk u start to make Pig Noises, u do it with a challenging look in ur eye, if I ask u about the Pig Noises u get offended and run away to the next room where u continue to oink softly
I *just* got the angel food cake in the oven. It took forever to peel all those angels.
Kids, in my day we didn’t have text messaging. We had to write a “Do you like me? Yes or no?” note and pass it through 17 mutual friends.
“Dadd-”
“No.”
“You don’t even know what I was going to say!”
“You’re wearing your Superman costume and standing beside the ladder. No.”
Once my husband had me watch a video of “the most amazing guitar player ever,” and I patiently watched in silence until the video was over before disclosing that I had dated the guy. It was an awesome moment.
I’m finally putting that giant exercise ball to use, and my core is hurting from laughing at Toddler Dodgeball.
One night in college, my roommate got super drunk pretty quickly and ended up getting sick. We handed her a trashcan, with trash already in it. She puked a few times and started crying, and then looked in the can and yelled, OMG I THREW UP A FORK?!
This chick just said Q as in cucumber.
I’ma just focus on me.
my friend’s kid asked me if i had any games on phone so i let her text my ex.
MUGGER: *pulls out a knife*
ME: *pulls out a jar of marmalade and two biscuits*
MUGGER: Lovely.
*me dressed as the grim reaper*
What d’ye mean I’m not your type?
The Amazon driver drove right by my house without dropping off a package.
He’s got some nerve.
Amazon Prime would be a good title for a Wonder Woman movie.
*pulls fire alarm in apt building*
*everyone runs outside*
[Me on megaphone]IVE GATHERED U HERE B/C SOME OF U STILL HAVE CHRISTMAS LIGHTS UP
“I’m telling you, it’s all or nothing,” the exterminator explains to Noah, “I can’t just leave 2 woodworm. It doesn’t work like that.”
Boss: You’re fifteen minutes la- WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU?
Me, scratched and bleeding: Fight with a goose.
Boss: What?
Me: *grabs work knife and heads back out* Fight with a goose.
No one has tried to kill me in awhile, and my body double is openly complaining the job I hired him for is less exciting than promised.