Even my imaginary friend got bored and left me a note saying ‘we should see other people’
You Might Also Like
Condensed milk is from dwarf cows
my girlfriend and i are on a little road trip and she’s driving, which means it’s my job to look out the window and periodically say “horsies” or “cows”
A lot of people look at Russian roulette as a negative game, but statistically it’s actually one of the only games you can’t lose twice
Losing my mind over the idea that pigeons existed before cities. Like can you imagine pigeons just hanging out in a forest? Eating bugs instead of gutter bagels? I personally just don’t buy it.
My wife made me pack my own bag for vacation and now I have to figure out how to wear potato chips.
A woman at the gym wouldn’t let me wipe down the machine for her after I’d used it. I think this means we’re engaged
Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.
Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?
And it was upon finishing my 5th glass of wine that I realised that buying a 16 year old male chimpanzee from Facebook marketplace was the best idea I had ever had.
adulthood is a constant struggle between “i deserve a treat” and “there’s food at home”
Im making a fortune promoting home security systems.All I do is say “Hello”.At 3 in the morning sitting at the end of their bed.
Most populated places in the world:
1. China
2. India
3. United States
4. Indonesia
5. Friend Zone
6. Hell
*Passing the same coworker in the hallway more than once:
Don’t look at me, I already said “Hi” to you.
No one told me my life would become so much googling it
“Hey honey”
*drags a cigarette*
“have you ever”
*drinks some scotch*
“slept with a guy”
*sucks a lollipop*
“with three arms?”
[first date]
HER: i’m really into astronomy
ME: [revealing my secret stash of Milky Ways] you don’t say
Him: can we just go back to how it used to be?
Her: awww. Like the day we met?
Him: No, before that.
My husband said he wants someone to scare him on Halloween, so I think I’ll tell him I’m starting menopause.
I had to have stupid emergency laser eye surgery today and I never thought my eyes would be the first to betray me but they’ve seen some shit at this point so I guess it makes sense.
wife: did you vacuum under the couch
me: yep I did the whole basement
Hear me out!
A Terms & Conditions, written entirely in emojis.
I’m going to quit the strongman competition I’m in. I put in my too weak notice
[waking up after a night of drinking]
Age 21: did i make out with someone
Age 36: did i steal someone’s dog
[sits backwards in chair so i look cool]
date: you’re gonna miss the movie
my kid is in her bed kicking her wall in morse code.
nope, scratch that. It’s either Wheels on the Bus or Bohemian Rhapsody, but I’m gonna tell her either way to go ahead and skip to the end
How to wake up a Beagle
Someone had to say it 🤷♂️
Remember, if you start with, “It’s crazy to think…” you can say whatever you want.
Airports shops be like, sure you’ve got everything? here, buy a surfboard just in case you forgot to pack one
My favorite thing about eating at a traditional Italian restaurant is getting a side of pasta with my pasta
Gandhi would go on fasts for weeks and remain peaceful. I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.