‘Worcestershire’ sounds like the most awful shire a Hobbit could possibly live.
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kids: can we have a popsicle?
me: *eating a popsicle* no it’s 8am
Keep your friends close and that one chick with a great beachfront condo closer.
“But, I’m a talking tree!” said the oak.
“And, you will dialogue,” replied the lumberjack.
This could be us but you eatin’
People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems
7: Mom, sometimes when you’re talking to me, I have no idea what you’re talking about.
M: Join the club.
I hate when people say “next time you’re in my neck of the woods”
omg this isn’t the prairie Laura, you live across from a Starbucks
Me: I dropped my phone in the toilet
Wife: Have you tried rice?
Me: *deep sigh* Of course, but this isn’t the time for a snack, Linda
At 7:00am I dropped my nail file on the floor, so I squatted down to pick it up… And at 7:20am I finally got up!!!
The secret to sustaining a happy marriage is to keep the mystery alive. So tonight I decided to clean something unexpectedly.
If you bring a child into a store and give that child a whistle, just know everyone in there will be a suspect in your murder.
Sometimes when I’m drunk, I put on a trench coat, lurk around the shadows and pretend I’m the host from Unsolved Mysteries
receiving reports today that there are “some men” who sit to pee. these men are not real men. real men lie down.
Gonna flirt with an electrician by calling them electrocute
My 1 year old kept saying “I lug ya” and I was so excited until I realized he was trying to say “alexa” not “I love you”
This is a wasp nest that has grown around the flood lights on a garage and yes you will see it in your nightmares tonight
Louis CK releasing a special when no one can leave the room feels pretty on brand TBH
The Facebook emojis are stages of dating-marriage-divorce
Apple is releasing new product information today.
That explains why yesterday my husband said that his watch isn’t staying charged anymore.
Dentist: Are you sensitive to hot or cold water?
Me: Yes, both
Dentist: okay, I’m just going to blast this industrial high velocity waterpik on your teeth then
How do you tell your spouse you were fired from SpaghettiOs for honoring Pearl Harbor Day with a smiling cartoon noodle holding a flag?
Sorry I hit you with my car over and over… but you kept getting up.
[awkward silence while i drive my date home] in my defense some places let you draw on the menu
My 6yo told me that I couldn’t go past him into the living room unless I told him the secret code which he said was a bathroom word. So I said “a bathroom word” and he didn’t let me in.
[street fight]
Come at me bro!!
*guy rips off his shirt revealing bulging muscles
*I rip off my shirt revealing another shirt & run away
if any of you are fans of deep house music blasted at high volume, i’d highly recommend the grocery store around the corner from me.
Day 8 at home and my dog is looking at me like, “See? This is why I chew the furniture.”
Hate flying? Try American Airlines. They do too.
[in prison]
me: so u guys come here often?
[SPEED DATING]
HER: Hi, is this seat free?
ME: By all means.
HER: *drags chair across room
ME: WTF?
HER: *laughing, sits with another couple