There should be guide dogs that prevent you from making bad decisions.
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Parenting makes total sense when you’re doing it but probably seems weird from the outside. My wife just hid a pair of my toddler’s pants because ‘they were too much drama’ and that explanation seemed totally reasonable to me.
ME: They call me Mr Universe
DATE: You workout?
ME: I’m constantly expanding
[News anchor]
“Are things really that bad?”
This invitation says, “Regrets only,” so I’m sending them a note that says, “My hair throughout most of the ‘90s.”
Having a toddler has trained me well for pumpkin season. I’m ready to carry up to 25 pounds of something for long distances because it is utterly incapable of walking.
I got asked for nudes once and I was like, “No, I’m married.” And he was like, “Yeah, I know. I’m your husband.”
Thanksgiving implies that we spend 99.7% of the year ungrateful…
…speaking for my kids, this checks out.
Finding out how big of a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles fan I truly am was understandably pretty tough for my daughters, Raphael & Leonardo.
Hold me like a guy holds a fish in his tinder pics, baby
Never judge a book by its cover…
Take it to dinner and see how it treats the waitstaff, then judge it.
I bet history classes would be easier if the guy who named the War of 1812 got to name all the other wars.
[soldier dying in my arms]
“You take this & you give it to my wife.”
“No [pushes watch back to soldier] she lives really far away from me.”
*rap battles you for the last chicken nugget*
When I lift one of my dog’s muddy paws to clean it he acts like he’s gonna fall down. DOG YOU STILL GOT 3 LEGS. I ONLY GOT 2
Your dating profile said you were a night owl…..eat this mouse.
I keep having this dream about a guy I chopped up and put in my freezer. I always have to try and hide it when I get a new roommate. The roommate part is really starting to freak me out.
Hell yeah I’m a catholic i’ve been addicted to cats my whole life
So anyway, my mom and all her opinions are visiting this weekend
Star Wars, but every character is Owen Wilson
When parents say to kids “go to ur room & think about what you’ve done” it’s really good practice for what you’ll do every night as an adult
ME: *smashes bottle into a ship*
MAN: Oh cool, what are you naming it?
ME: I’m not *smashes another bottle* I just hate ships
Be warned: there’s a proper legend on the streets of Brighton.
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH:
Here we see the weakest of the herd in its natural habitat.
[camera pans to me laying in bed eating cake]
They don’t touch my pizza after it comes out of the oven?
So, wait. They used to touch my pizza?
It sucks being my parents ugliest kid and also an only child
ME FEAR ME (Women want fish)
Boss: Are you high?
[Me watching him evaporate] I hope so.
Wife: could you just run to the-
Edward Scissorhands: you want me to WHAT
I told my kids I’d rather they “pull the plug” than let me live in a vegetative state dependent on machines.
So they hid my phone charger.