I think weddings should have a worst man too, like just the biggest piece of shit the groom knows.
You Might Also Like
[being murdered at mom’s house]
not on the good couch please or we’ll both be in trouble
Queen: Mirror, mirror on the wall…
Mirror: Not exactly ON the wall
King: I said I’d do it at the weekend. Get off my back, Sandra
saying “i don’t care” and then not being able to sleep because of it is my superpower
On your deathbed tell everyone “pray for me” then make sure to leave a note to be opened after you die that says “pray harder next time”
*My kids are fighting*
9yo: You’re acting like a baby !
6yo: And you’re acting like dad !
Summer Camp: we need you to send some info
My wife: don’t you have it from last year?
SC: probably, but we want it again
MW: ok
SC: by fax
MW: but why w-
SC: and in cuneiform
MW: are you s-
SC: and can you place insurance cards face up and face down on the form at the same time?
[commercial for salad]
Do you want to feel sad when you eat?
Wife: Where are you going?
Me: You can find me in da club shawty
Wife: You’re going to Taco Bell to get nachos, aren’t you?
Me: Yes
throwback to when the car insurance lady asked my mom for front, rear, & side views but she didn’t get the memo..
[at lunch with friend]
Friend: … but you didn’t hear that from me.
Me: [looking up from my phone] Hear what?
Friend: Exactly *winks*
lol
first person to peel a carrot: this needs to be slightly smaller
The best part of vacation with your extended family is talking shit about them on the trip home.
How school works:
In class: 2+2=4
Homework: 2+4+2=8
Exam: John had 4 apples.He eats one and gives one to a friend. Calculate the Sun’s mass.
Cartoons falsely taught me to expect encountering an unimaginable amount of anvils in my day to day life
So far my favorite thing about COVID-19 is getting an email from EVERY SINGLE STORE that’s ever had my email addy about how they are committed to protecting their employees and customers. I HAVEN’T SET FOOT INSIDE YOUR STORE IN 7 YEARS LEAVE ME ALONE.
How a hammer can generate enough heat to start a fire.
My cat said “meow”, so I answered with a “meow”, and now I’m afraid of what I may have agreed to.
The first million people to send me $1.00 will get a copy of my guide on how to become a millionaire on Twitter.
I see what percentage you guys leave your phones on, how the hell are you gonna expect electric cars to get you anywhere.
If you get into a fight with a polar bear, boost your chances of success by requesting a postponement until 2065. There’s a good chance polar bears will be extinct by then so you’ll win by default for just turning up
when you don’t want to be too vague
Me, to the fellas: Load up. We getting magical tonight.
me at 18: i have hundreds of friends i could ask to hang out with me tonight
me now: maybe the weird dude who spit on me on the train this morning would like to be the best man at my wedding
James is coming over.
“James from work or James who thinks he’s a leprechaun?”J: TOP O’ THE MORNIN’ TO YA!
“I’ll hide the Lucky Charms.”
If you eat a pot brownie and a Ken doll, you’ll poop a Matthew McConaughey.
“Sure, I get it!”
– Me, not getting it
Don’t know how to delete tweets so please just disregard the one earlier in which I claimed to have “definitely broken the world land speed record” by running very fast down the hill near my house. I have since looked it up and I accept that I underestimated the current record
Protip: If your spouse says “Thanks for the help” when you didn’t do anything don’t reply “You’re welcome”.
I like crazy people until they notice me