I like to sing Mambo No. 5 but replace the names of the women with various types of cheese.
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gonna be sporting and give tim a five minute head start
“Pretend to be someone you’re not and receive candy.” Quick: Halloween or Valentine’s Day?
A funny thing I like to do is yell ‘God, not your WHOLE hand’ when the doctor does a pelvic exam.
life hack: DO NOT TRY TO CUT CHERRY TOMATOES IN HALF WITH YOUR FOOD SCISSORS
Wife: You’re shirtless?
*nods*
W: And covered in…oil?
-Well, you know how you always say I never glisten?
W: Listen. You never listen.
-Oh
Big Foot rental costumes are surprisingly realistic and terrifying at 4am around the bonfire at the party I wasn’t invited to.
I’m in pretty decent shape for a dude who was in a serious car accident and spent the last six weeks recovering in a hospital bed. That didn’t happen to me–it’s just a good yardstick for the kind of shape I’m in.
Just what the hell are you juicing with this?🧐🤣
The twin sisters that live next door to me, shower is broke so they’re using mine. So, you know what that means…
More hair in my drain.
I sleep like a baby at night…
…a baby with a terrible secret.
*road trip*
husband, day 1: absolutely no eating in the car
husband, day 4: *handing brisket to the kids in the backseat*
Always treat your woman like a princess, let a giant turtle kidnap her.
*disguises myself as a baby so people throw cheese at me*
my biggest fear is a kiIler saying some funny shit whiIe im playing dead
i dont like how monkeys have taken ownership of the whole banana thing. i bet i like bananas almost as much as they do
Remember, fellow outdoorsy types: an odd number of rattles means the snake is delighted to see you; an even number says you should probably stay away.
I turned out ok for someone essentially raised by Bugs Bunny.
A group of owls is called a flight of stares.
me: *after aceing my finals* that was easier than giving candy to a baby
them: don’t you mean taking candy from a baby
me: why would I take candy from a baby, you monster
You don’t care when my dog does it, is not an acceptable explanation for shitting on your neighbor’s lawn. I know this now.
Flight attendant: “will you perform exit row duties in the event of an emergency?”
Me: “yes”
In my head: “No we’re all gonna die”
Every one of my neighbors has offered to help me move which would be extremely nice if I had plans to sell my house.
“I bought the biggest watermelon in the store!” —The person not cutting up the watermelon.
Just how popey was the pope today?
I learned most of what I know about dropping pianos on people from cartoons.
My favorite part of the Bible is when God gives humans free will, then kills them with a flood because they didn’t act the way he wanted.
“Whale, whale, whale, what do we have here?”
~ God, doing whale inventory & coming across an unexpected non-whale after counting three whales.
People just talk about spiders but how many paper towels do you think you eat every year
Everyone thought you could get a writing job from twitter but that never happens anymore its only for things like becoming the president