#OscarsWeNeed Achievement in Misleading Trailers
You Might Also Like
I always double-check our garage door is closed at night. I don’t want someone stealing all the stuff we’ve been trying to get rid of for years.
Wish I was a duck. Just chillin in a park all day, maybe go for a swim. Oh what’s that? People wanna feed me? Hell yeah
Heard another parent tell their kid that when the ice cream truck plays its jingle
it means they’ve sold out of ice cream. Using that now.
I lock eyes with the cashier after he tells me to have a great day. “How?”
Verbally offered £24k for a new admin job. Someone in HR transposed the digits so all my employment paperwork and contract state I’m paid £42k. It’s been 9 months receiving this higher amount per month and I’m not saying a WORD
god forbid anyone in my family is kidnapped, the kidnapper will bark complicated instructions thru a tube sock on the phone and hang up, i’m on the other end saying huh i gotta do what now
I skipped leg day at the gym, but don’t worry I balanced it out by skipping arm day, chest day, ab day, and back day so I’m good to go.
Thinking that you’re on speaking terms with God is like finding out you’ve been playing both parts in an episode of “Catfish”
I used to tell customers that Chilean wine was good because the country is geographically so narrow, the vines have to be grown in single file, giving maximum exposure to the sunlight
I made up all these romantic scenarios in my brain and you’re not following the script, bro
satan: welcome to hell
me: this isn’t so bad..is this a library?
s: yup all you can read!
m: wow!
s: say, weren’t you paralyzed by indecision your entire life?
me, nervously: yes..why?
*satan gestures to shelves of nothing but “choose your own adventure” books*
m: aw hell
My Dog: *quiet, with his ears folded like little fortune cookies*
Me: WHAT DID YOU DO
Pirates that used X to mark the spot were stupid. If they had used a G, nobody would ever have found their treasure.
I’m just marveling at how the hand towel in my son’s bathroom can be so dirty and yet his doorknob is so wet
[being murdered]
Me: You’re going to somehow ruin this, aren’t you?
Despite its deceivingly yummy smell, this bar of oatmeal almond soap tastes just like soap.
Me, pointing at your baby: Hey, your potato just barked at me
Be right back. Gotta climb a huge hill, put my 4 yr old on a piece of plastic & then shove him down a sheet of ice.
The bruises on my arms? They are definitely NOT from getting my arms stuck in the UPS drop box.
Me: *giggling* no, I love you more.
Him: who are you and how did you get inside my house?
Me: [butchering a raw pork shoulder]
Child: Can I poke it?
Me: What?
Child: Can I poke it?
Me: Poke…poke the pork?
Child: Yes.
Me: WHY
Child: It looks squishy.
Me: It IS squishy.
Child:
Me:[5 mins later]
Wife: WHY ARE YOU TWO POKING THE PORK
Me: You can’t arrest me. I have to run a marathon today.
Cop: Stop playing the race card.
Stop saying I’m crazy. You’re starting to sound like the waffle iron.
Her: What brings you to speed dating?
Me: I just ran out of the fancy shampoo my previous GF bought for me.
So I just watched Contagion and tbh, if they had watched the end of the film first, they could have saved a lot of lives.
9yo son: The difference between moms and dads is that when you say “I’m hungry,” moms say “go eat something” and dads say “hi, Hungry, I’m dad.”
Our dishwasher doesn’t know what hit it.
Interviewer: So why do you want this job?
Me: I don’t. I want money.
[1st date]
Him: Do you like magic?
Her: I LOVE MAGIC
Him: klatu barada nikto!
[Woman’s dead grandpa emerges from the ground]Her: *Screams*
Him: Oh, so you meant you like illusions.
*shows up at your hot dog convention wearing nothing but mustard and a smile.