“This is the coolest underwater sci-fi movie ever.”
-me, drunk, watching the pool vac
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One of the most romantic things a rose can do for another rose is leave a trail of human body parts from the front door to the bedroom.
Yes I carry a briefcase chained to my wrist in the airport. No one is stealing my travel cheese.
9 out of 10 dentists agree: golf is a fantastic way to avoid raising your children.
A drone, but for seeing which fast food drive-thrus have the shortest line
*workers slide massive stone block into place entombing me alive*
me: *finally starting to wonder if this might be a pyramid scheme*
“I’m halving a baby!” – King Solomon
getting my head stuck in the armhole of a mensa shirt
Just played that Facebook game where an app tells you what state you’re best suited to be in and I was disappointed it didn’t say unconscious.
Updating my dating profile….
My husband isn’t being as helpful as I’d hoped tbh
Random dm guy: What are you wearing?
Me: A scathing look of disdain
Got a new washer and dryer today, and I’ve been doing laundry all day long. I’ve washed everything that can be washed. Getting ready to go ask the neighbors for their laundry now.
me to my student: go get your mom
my student, not moving: MMMMMAAAAAMMMMAAAAAAA!!!
Where did birds even sit to contemplate life before power lines were invented
The waitress said they were out of pizza but then much later I saw a pizza come out to another table. (My super villain origin story)
I’m gonna be honest. Even after the vaccine I’m only gonna wanna hang out with 3 of you.
[the Savannah]
Lion: “Why is that lion all on his own? And why is he wearing crocs?”
Leslie Nielsen: “He has no pride. And he has no pride.”
Microwave safe? It doesn’t seem like a sensible place to keep your valuables.
self care is telling yourself you didn’t hit the curb, the curb hit you
when ur mom took the xbox away because you got a D- on ur report card and you went to your room, slammed the door, and turned this song up to full volume on the radioshack speakers so the whole family knew you were gonna be full of angst for the next several days
My wife handed me a paring
knife to slice some peaches.Apparently we don’t have
a peaching knife.
“How much is that doggy in the window” is a dumb thing to write a song about. Just go ask one of the workers
Me: I just need some time alone, please.
*closes door*– Ma’am, if you’re not trying on clothes, we’ll need you to leave the dressing room.
When the nurse calls you to come get your kid 30 minutes after you drop her off at school, is about as Monday as it gets.
– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat mate.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”
*at reading of my will*
Executor: *opens envelope*
‘Ahem…’You selfish, bloodsucking little pricks…’’
Obama: Hello Amer-
*feels a tug on his suit coat*
What Joe??
Biden: What color should the lion be?
Yellow.
Biden: I’m using green. *giggles*
Interviewer: Is it true you are the first duck to be made a duke?
Duck: Please address me as ‘M’llard’
A really cute girl started working out next to me at the gym so i switched to super heavy weights to impress her someone please call an ambulance
Bathrooms have Changed from being a Singing Studio, to a Photo Studio.
[job interview]
“any public speaking experience?”
not since the valedictorian speech in high school
“very impressive”
I yelled ‘YOU SUCK’