*blasts Ride of the Valkyries as I fly over your house pooping*
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Not to brag but I already took down the Easter Tree
I told my DAD to embrace his mistakes. he cried. then he hugged My brother & me.
Always leave the shower curtains open.
*things I learned from horrors
Are any of my friends mechanics? Been having a weird car trouble when driving into work; my car just drives past my workplace and drives straight to the beach instead.
A great part of video game culture is how you can purchase a night at an inn, and you wake up with full health.
I’ve been to many hotels before, this does not actually happen.
Hotel staff that insist on turning the toilet paper into a bow.. stop fingering my toilet paper with your dirty hands, Britney.
Admin smashed it 😂
[Court]
Me *taking the witness stand*
Judge: Hey, put that back!
The 5 Love Languages
Physical Touch: my loneliness is killing me
Words of Affirmation: I must confess I still believe
Quality Time: When I’m not with you I lose my mind
Gift Giving: give me a sign
Acts of Service: hit me baby one more time
“It’s not my fault I keep losing my gloves.”
– a kid whose fault it most definitely is-
Why is the word prolific only used to describe serial killers. You never hear anyone say “He was the most prolific donut maker you’ve ever seen.”
at ease…shoulder.
My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his birthday cake in the break room fridge.
He’s completely wrong. It wasn’t my finger.
*cries over spilt milk*
*cries under spilt milk*
*cries adjacent to spilt milk*
*cries immediately to the left of spilt milk*
*cries diagona
I was helping my son with his homework and I told him that the language attorneys use with all that legal jargon was called ‘Courtugese’ and now I have another meeting with his teacher.
I’m close to breaking this whole thing wide open
“PARKOUR!” – me, after tripping over nothing on the sidewalk
church choir: faatherr, sonn, aand hoolyy g-
[the ghostbusters barge in]
church choir, nervously: -oooats
[ghostbusters slowly back out]
The neighbors with the baby moved out, and now the loudest crying heard throughout the entire apartment complex comes from me.
I don’t know what’s funnier, the fact that our new broom came with instructions or that my husband is actually reading them
feb 14: i love everything about u
feb 15: don’t breathe like that
*rubs lamp/genie appears*
*makes me listen to ads before each wish*
Im writing a parenting book called kids won’t listen until you scream like your mother did.
[while hiking I slip off the edge of a cliff but bend into a boomerang shape and fly precisely back up to my original spot and continue hiking]
Quit making fun of my barbed wire tattoo literally no one has even tried climbing over my arm since I got it.
“You are what you eat” I chant furiously, shoving another roach in my mouth. Mushroom clouds keep growing in the distance
Me: Goodnight Moon.
Moon: Don’t “Goodnight” me! Do you know what time it is? Where the hell have you been?
My Guy
welcome to your 40s, the first song you ever made out to is being used to promote mutual funds
*spends ages choosing a ring tone.
*puts phone on silent