Toddlers be like, “excuse me madam that’s my emotional support Walmart receipt.
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That Scene in a Christopher Nolan Film Where You Give Up Trying to Follow the Plot
just saw a preview of the upcoming commercial for Lady Doritos, yikes
The Burger King can legally officiate a wedding, but only if the rings are onion rings
The Ten Commandments of Ayn Rand #XmasAMovie
I get it, crocs and socks are not sexy at all, but I wasn’t getting laid in tennis shoes either and this is ridiculously comfortable.
Which word do you think would make a pretty baby name if it didn’t mean what it meant? I’m going with Omelette.
there are two types of people:
– someone who texts an entire paragraph before hitting send
– someone who texts that same paragraph and hits send after every third word
Me: I need a simple, easy hobby to relax and clear my mind
Also me: I will teach myself metalworking techniques from the Middle Ages
*me laying on the couch naked & posed as they walk in*
Wife: The note said come to my parents for a ‘quiche’ you idiot.
My brain: I will not pick this pimple
My brain: I will not pick this pimple
My brain: I will not pick this pimpleMy fingers: so we did a thing
Chicken pot pie sounds like such a good idea. If you add commas.
If I’m carrying a torch for you it’s only because I want to set you on fire.
Me: I can’t believe it’s not butter!!
Wife: Well, that’s suntan lotion so I don’t know why you’re surprised
Me: *continues eating
Whenever I ask indie filmmakers how they got funding for their movie they always describe a mysterious millionaire they never met who appeared out of nowhere needing to get rid of money for tax purposes. If you know this millionaire please connect me asap….
What…what happens if the crabs learn how to read???
Don’t be scared of a snake. It’s just a slimey, conscious rope that is evil and can kill you.
[a guy walking his dog grabs my purse and they run off]
Me: Hey, that’s not nice! You get back here this instant and let me pet that dog!
My family made a pact that I’m the first to be sacrificed in a zombie apocalypse because I’ll slow them down. That’s my workout motivation.
My therapist: oh my socks are loose
Me:
Me: are you feeling shrinky?
This meeting could have been an email. That email could have been a fistfight in the alley
When I was younger MTV actually played videos. That’s what the M stands for. Music. Not Maternity, Motherhood or Moron.
Did you just call me a boombox? Eugh that’s such a stereotype
Groundhog Day
1993 ‧ Comedy/Romance ‧ 1h 41mGroundhog Year
2020/21 ‧ Horror ‧ 10,272days
No parenting book or blog or sage advice warned me of having two kids in a car Rickrolling me by singing “Never gonna pick you up, never gonna drop you off” over and over on every school run
oh no, pressed the wrong button on the remote and accidentally summoned a demon again
Lamaze instructor: What are you doing in here? You certainly aren’t pregnant.
Him: Doesn’t this class teach breathing to enhance relaxation & decrease pain?
Well I have teenagers.Instructor: Welcome to class.
[adjusting my guitar strap after playing my first song at an open mic] this next one is also about my cat
Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, shame on me
Fool me three times, show me how you do that
Oh look, it’s bad-decisions-o’clock
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Her: I’m a stay at home mom
Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house