I never related to movies as a kid. Like in Home Alone when Kevin says to his Mother “I am upstairs you dummy” I couldn’t understand how he was still alive after that.
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passport control: you don’t look anything like your picture
incredible hulk: THE FLIGHT WAS DELAYED
Who are these people that buy unsalted butter on purpose?
It’d be funny if Hannibal Lecter was a terrible cook. Just microwaving kidney quesadillas or whatever. Mac & cheese with chopped up fingers.
*Involved in high speed chase*
*Uses turn signals*
“So, which burner is your favorite? Mine is usually the back left.” -Me, trying to make friends in my 30’s
What the world needs now is
a. love
b. sweet love
c. a category in IMDB that gives you a visual height comparison by actor for a given cast in a show
My friends most commonly describe me as “who?”
Finding an open electrical socket at the airport and discovering it doesn’t work feels like buying a pair of pants and discovering the pockets are fake.
Met 3 other women in the bathroom at this restaurant who are also on first dates. We all collaborated and discussed our dates in here. We are best friend and will be in each other weddings
My daughter saw my mascara brand was called better than sex and asked what that meant so I said it meant better than secretaries cause they write and holy shit pray for me she doesn’t google it.
this one has claws
This one swims but can’t fly
This one is huge & runs funny
This one bangs his head against trees
– god making birds
I am out of wine, so I ate a bag of grapes and threw myself down the stairs.
BOSS: Wow you made a killing on your first day
ME: Thanks boss!
BOSS: *puts hand on my shoulder* that’s bad for a surgeon
Me in the future: Son, you’re going to go far.
Son, fiddling with the catapult straps: I question your judgment daily.
Do you ever take a bunch of pills, forget that you took a bunch of pills, take a bunch more pills, and then die? I know. Me TOO.
me: hi i’d like to exchange my current brain for a new one
customer service: ma’am you’re calling amazon
me: listen alexa i am a PRIME member
The year was 1989 and America fell in love with Ariel, the half-animal girl who collects garbage.
It’s happened
I used painters tape to section the family room so each kid stays in their play square…anyone who moves into someone else’s square gets sent to their room
Because apparently using the tape ON the kids is frowned upon 🤷🏻♀️
I gave my 12yo a punishment and she asked if I could pick a different punishment, thereby demonstrating that she does not, in fact, grasp the concept of a punishment.
Guess we’re having “I don’t know” for dinner again tonight.
Me)Print
Printer)No
Me)Print
Printer)No
Me)PRINT
Printer)No
Me)PRINT!!!
Printer)Here’s 8,000
Buying more laundry baskets so I can avoid doing the laundry
I charge people $5 if they say “It is what it is.”
Going to start a band called The Subtweets. All songs will contain cryptic lyrics that incite paranoia in the crowd.
For my new tattoo, I’m totally getting a chest piece of a chess piece, cause its fun to be a pun.
ME: my wife eats all the caramel corn and leaves the cheese
JUDGE: give this man full custody of the kids
ME: no wait they do the same thing
Ugly sweater day at work. I’m wearing a new, really nice expensive sweater but walking around saying “ugh, please, this old thing.”
The burrito I ate for lunch today just sent me a push notification.
“Siri, why do I make so many typos?”
SIRI: I found this for ‘how to make Somali tadpoles’
I hope I never have to produce an alibi…cause eating salsa in bed with my cat every night would never hold up in court.