Me: I’ll start work early so I can stop working earlier
Also me: *just works twice as many hours cuz I started earlier
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[i arrive in hell]
Satan: welcome
Me: thanks what’s with the fork lol
Satan: it’s a pitchfork shut up
Me: ooo i’m so scared what are u gonna do eat a big salad lmao
Satan:
Me:
Satan:
[i arrive in super hell]
“sup shorty” – a giraffe, probably
Stuck behind a school bus & locked in an intense staring contest w/ a kid at the back. I’m 45 min. off course but I’m not gonna let him win.
HER: You ran over my cat
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME [imagines myself napping all day and pushing things off shelves] ok
Forget sexy talk. I want breakfast talk. Describe those waffles to me nice and slow.
“What’s this switch for?” he asked.
“No idea,” she said. She flipped it on. Off. “Nothing?”
Somewhere, a writer had an idea. Then lost it.
The fact that my nephew told his teacher his Mom is on parole.
She’s on patrol, serving in the National Guard.
Patrol.
I’ve been using special shampoo and I’ve noticed my hair is stronger, it benched 240lbs the other day
The casting of the Little Mermaid is a joke. You need someone who can hold their breath for an hour and a half at least or the movie just isn’t believable.
Being a father is the single greatest feeling on earth. Not including those wonderful years I spent without a child, of course.
person i just met reaches out for hand shake
me, realizing my hand is embarrassingly cold: thanks but i know enough people
Always live on the bottom floor it’s further from heaven and harder for God to see you sinning
…żyje?
Martin Shkreli in jail: “Can I have an aspirin?”
Jail: “Yes. That will be $197,000.”
Don’t listen to the haters, all mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
Cats’ have an underdeveloped pre-frontal cortex, meaning they lack almost any ability to plan ahead, which explains why they’re so bad at chess
I talk a lot of shit for a guy who spent way too long trying to peel a few slices of ham from what turned out to be an unsliced ham “steak.”
Me *gently touches my wife’s casket* if I could change this I would
Wife: it’s your worst birthday gift yet
Condescending:
(adj) showing patronizing superiority
(verb) a convict shimmying down a prison wall with a rope made of bed sheets.
interviewer: we just have one concern
me: [unsheathing] is it about the sword I brought
interviewer: well it is now
interviewer 2: holy shit
interviewer 3: awesome
Rules for rap battling Eminem:
1. Do not let Eminem go first.
2. Do not let Eminem go second.
The only way to protect ourselves from eagle attacks is of course MORE eagles. Fill our homes with these gentle, knife clawed birds of prey.
Is it the 5 second rule or the 10 second rule?
Well, either way, I wouldn’t worry too much about any germs. Here’s your baby back.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over.
BLANKET: You were cold?
getting groceries
Cinderella update where the girl leaves her Invisalign on the table as she flees the party & the prince tries to fit it into the mouth of every girl in the land
“Everyone says they’re voting for Clinton or Trump, but I’m voting for Regina George because she got hit by a bus.”
Condoms aren’t completely safe. A friend of mine was wearing one and got hit by a bus.
If the FBI want to get into an iPhone w/o users permission, they should ask someone who’s done it before, like U2
When a guy asks me for pics, I send pics of Margaret Thatcher.