2016: Everyone you love in entertainment will die!
2017: Everyone you love in entertainment is a sexual degenerate.
2018: The dog from Air Bud is the Zodiac Killer.
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[googling recipes for success and checking the cupboard]
well I hope it calls for a 3 yr old bag of marshmallows
Me: Who will I share the sunset with now?! *sobs*
Friend: Bad breakup?
Me: No. *wipes tears* My Instagram isn’t working.
[first date]
me: they know me here
date: *reading sign on wall* “No Puppetry”?
me (proudly): I’m the reason they have that
Got my daughter a one-dollar gift card to the Dollar Store and told her to get whatever she wants.
Sticking a $5 bill into a vending machine turns it into my grandmother, dispensing stale snacks and rare dollar coins.
That’s right, I always have subtitles on. Do you know how hard it is to hear anything over the sound of munching snacks?
8-year-old: I upgraded my blanket fort.
Me: It looks the same as before.
8: I added more snacks.
Finally, some meaningful renovations.
Saw a bumper sticker that said ‘Jesus is the answer.’ Two cars later I saw one that said ‘Who farted?’ Best game of Highway Jeopardy ever.
What do you want to be when you grow up?
other kids: firefighter, doctor, scientist…
my 9yo: I’m gonna sell my Pokémon cards on the streets of New York.
Cristina Aguilera: “You’re beautiful! No matter what they say!”
Me: “Wait, what do they say?”
“Bless your heart” is southern for “I’m pretty sure you were dropped on your head as a child.”
I didn’t make this, but it’s perfect
My dance moves are so white Charlie Sheen tried to snort them.
My plans for world domination will be complete as soon as I can work out how to hide a coffee machine in my bra
Forgot the word “peel” when talking about a fruit and said “I skin the kiwi…” instead.
*looking up at the stars*
Me: look at that big one, isn’t it beautiful?
Her: *squinting* can we do this at night, instead?
Still the best thing I’ve ever seen on the Internet.
If you keep pronouncing the L in salmon I going to stab you with my kah-nife
[Joker has Robin tied up]
“If you want to see the Boy Wonder alive, come to the old-”
“Nope. Also he’s allergic to peanuts. Like real bad.”
Rapunzel is my favorite story about a girl who would do anything to have her hair pulled.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler that sets down their popsicle and then comes back 20 minutes later to get it.
“The Perfect Relationship”
For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…
GENIE: 3 wishes. But no extra wishes & no sex stuff
Me: why not?
GENIE: I make the rules
ME: I wish I made the rules
GENIE: …dammit
Revenge is a dish best served heated unevenly with cold spots.
1. have a child
2. never mention it on facebook
3. dress it in old-timey clothes and have it stand in the background of all your photos
there’s a jehovah’s witness dressed up as a cop who keeps banging on my door, haha nice try buddy
North Korea claiming they test fired a big rock at Russia.
WTF
We like knowing who the fastest person on earth is.
We don’t know why, or how this information will be useful, but we like to know it all the same.