I don’t drive a flashy car, but the cop behind me does.
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When people ask What Would Jesus Do, I remember how he hid in that cave for 3 days after people were so mean to him.
That’s more my speed.
Husband “I thought you were dieting?”
Me “I am”
Husband “You just ate 6 Oreos”
Me “Yes but I want to eat 12. See – Dieting”
“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.
October already? What’s next? November????
fly smarter, not harder
Move over, pizza rat. 🍕 A Philadelphia woman found a groundhog outside of her home munching on a piece of pizza for over an hour, completely unfazed by her two dogs.
satan: welcome
me: this isnt so ba-
satan: put these on
me: are…are those jeans that didnt totally dry in the dryer
satan: enjoy
me: noooo
Welcome to your 40’s. Squinting’s not helping anymore. Now you have to take pics of the products you want to buy, then enlarge them to read their composition.
mom: everyone has to learn to swim
kid: even jesus?
mom: of course
jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* lying’s a sin, brenda
*Puts on Kool-aid guy pitcher costume outside of a bank*
Friend: This isn’t going to work.
Me: Bank vault here I come. *Charges at wall*
Inflation is definitely out of hand when hot cross buns are £1.25 for 4 when they used to be 1 a penny, 2 a penny.
Interviewer: says here you have been roofing your entire life
Dog: that is correct
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
A sick whale is called an unwhale
“we want grandkids” best i can do is graphic design
At my funeral I want there to be a big ‘live laugh love’ sign with the ‘live’ crossed out
Still thinking about the woman on the train I once saw wearing a lanyard that said “Sarah Hunter” and wondering how many Sarahs have died at her hands.
So rude of Ashton Kutcher to file divorce papers right before Demi Moore’s 150th birthday.
My toddler only has 3 words, but she can already argue with me.
Know why I pulled you over?
“No sir”
1987, 7-11 on Main, you paid for Coke but filled your cup with Slurpee. We gotcha. We finally gotcha
If I had a dime for every time my kids called mom I could buy my own island but my kids would still find me.
[movie]
*guy hugs woman from behind while she cuts vegetables*
wife: Awwme*does same thing*
wife:ARE YOU TRYING TO MAKE ME LOSE A FINGER?!
So when you say R.I.P. To a dearly departed you are basically saying hey no zombie or walking dead stuff ??
Why’s this 66 year old fridge better than the one I got now
Before sending a tweet l always test it on my wife first. If she rolls her eyes and leaves the room, l know it has potential.
WIFE: Having your phone in your jeans pocket will make you infertile & stop us having more kids
ME: *shoves 10 phones & microwave in pocket*
I know a girl that can hide eggs where your kids will never find them.
ok what if you’re in the school pickup line and you see a woman eating from a charcuterie board in her car, would you judge me?
i mean her would you judge her
[dollar store]
Me: I would like 700 dollars, please