[getting ready for plans I shouldn’t have made]
ME: *standing in shower opening and closing shower curtain* here, killer killer killer
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I’m not the prettiest girl, or the smartest, I don’t have a perfect body, and this started out as a tweet but is now my suicide note.
Body: *sharp abdominal pain*
Me: Oh, God. Is that cancer? I bet it’s cancer.
Body: Are you gonna go to the doctor? If you’re worried it’s cancer let’s go get it checked out.
Me: No, I’m good.
My 18 year-old was complaining about her job so I told her it’ll be ok she only has 47 years left.
me: AHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: in these trying times
me: AHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: you can count on toyota
me: AHHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: welcome, to how to use a fire extinguisher
Elderly relative: If you receive a friend request from me on Facebook, don’t accept it.
Me: No kidding.
Thank you for showing me your Facebook wedding album. Now if you have time, here is a slideshow of my top 36 scores in Mario Kart
*goes in bank with finger guns*
This is a robbery!
“no one’ll take you seriously-”
*switches to double barrel finger guns*
“do what he says”
me: do you still remember your wedding vows?
wife: I do
me: [shaking head] no it was more than that
The key to being a good conversationalist is giving a great conversationalist room to talk
“we’re out of bread”
“ciabatta be kidding!”
[waiter takes out gun]
“make another bread pun and ur toast, pal… shit”
[i take out my gun]
The human body can survive three weeks without food, three days without water but only three hours without wifi.
The sole purpose of a potato masher is to prevent you from opening a drawer.
My dad: don’t tell your mom I got her a camera until Christmas morning
Me: [12:01 am Christmas morning] wake up mom, dad got you a camera
WIFE: can you put the baby to sleep
ME: *trying to get the baby in a chokehold* his head’s too small it’s not working
Me: Like that time in Harry Potter Revenge of the Fallen when the wizard becomes a Camaro
Pal: I think you mean…
Me: Dumblebee, yes, I know what I mean. So, anyway…
Extremely relatable.
If I had known I could hurt myself just by sneezing I wouldn’t have been in such a hurry to grow up
I avoid clarified butter because I prefer my dairy products to be troubled and confused.
I taught my kid the importance of stop, drop and roll at an early age. Now he never blocks my view of the television.
I just saw a man get hit by a car…he got hit & fell down & then got up & chased the car down the block!!!! His legs must be strong as shit
Hot guy just walked up to me and said I was pretty so naturally I pulled out a Sharpie and drew a star on his forehead.
To the idiots who say ghosts aren’t real, maybe you should watch this documentary called Ghostbusters.
For your final meal request to eat the electric chair and then the warden will be like well now what do we do he ate our electric chair
in the mood to pterodactyl scream at anyone who steps into a 3 foot radius of my body unless they’ve got a bowl of mashed potatoes to offer me
I made some fish tacos last night.
the ingrates just ignored them and swam away
5-year-old daughter: Barbie is mad at Ken.
*pushes their faces together*
Me: Did they kiss and make up?
5: No. She headbutted him.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: *closes eyes, furrows brow, clenches jaw*
Cop: Sir?
Me: Quiet, please. I need total concentration to read your mind.
[texting gf]
February 13th
“I think we should spend some time apart”February 15th
“Ok that was enough time”
I don’t normally like to brag about expensive trips but I just got back from the grocery store, getting gas, and signing my kids up for summer camp.
“I don’t want a boyfriend.” -woman who wants a boyfriend who isn’t me