Give me one reason why I shouldn’t pass this math class
“You held up 2 fingers just now”
Ok then give me that many reasons
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It’s OK, The Phantom Menace. I also came out in 1999 and am a bit disappointing
[seafood restaurant]
CHEF: where are my shellfish?!
ME: *sneaking Prawn Solo and Luke Sidewalker out the door* quick, the rebel alliance needs you
It wasn’t a crisis until my mother heard about it.
Imagine you’re about to have surgery and right before the anesthesia kicks in you notice a “University of Phoenix” degree on the wall
50-year-old drunk bully: “Your mouth is writing checks your body can’t cash.”
20-year-old: “What’s a check?”
Mom was a minute late serving dinner. Again. I nearly starved.
~dog’s log, August 2nd, 2021
Forgetting your manners in the south is ma’amnesia
My mom is terrified of how fast I drive on the freeway, so I’m preparing a soothing little playlist for when she comes to visit in a few weeks
[spelling bee]
your word is ‘hors d’oeuvre’
“can you use it in a sentence?”
yes…’I bet this kid can’t spell hors d’oeuvre’
I get into bed.
Husband is already asleep.
I must build a pillow fort between us to keep his hot breath off of my face.
Marriage is fun.
Birds wouldn’t be so smug in zero gravity, I bet
Cargo shorts need insulated side pockets so people can always have access to a hot and tasty pork chop.
Me: If I can stick to schedule I can get everything done just in time
Toddler: I WANNA HELP!
How can a cemetery raise its burial charges and blame it on the cost of living?
ROOF GUY: That’ll be $15,000
ME: I thought you said it was on the house
Back in college, I knew sisters named Summer and Autumn. Instead of saying hello to them, I would say “seasons greetings!”
They didn’t like me very much.
Me: You know what would improve this dreadful place? An open bar
Other people in the waiting room:
My friend likes going out.Recently he went out of his mind.
My professor doesn’t believe in laser pointers so he uses a fishing pole with a foam finger attached and I can’t contain myself during lecture lmao
(Teaching Kid to Ride a Bike)
KID:Dad, I’m scared
ME:It’s okay. The closest tree is a mile away
TREE:*rushes up to kid and clotheslines him*
Always crush and snort your first pill on the pharmacy counter to make sure they’re not passing you some fake shit.
If you send me a work memo on the weekend I respond with Linkin Park lyrics.
Felt so bad for this dude.
Imagine showing up to your son’s high school football game and he gets killed by Hitler.
VAMPIRE: ur making this weird
ME: my neck is ticklish!
According to HR, I have “a tendency to rub some people the wrong way”, which is disappointing, cuz I was aiming for ALL of ‘em.
“THEY’RE PROBABLY MORE AFRAID OF YOU THAN YOU ARE OF THEM,” I shout, as a swarm of murder hornets attacks my friend Jeff
what it’s like dating me:
“My buddy can’t get a date it’s wild”
That sucks. What’s he like?
“He’s in great shape, hits the gym,”
But what’s his personality-
“He makes so much money. He has three Ferraris.”
How’s his personali-
“He wears three gold watches & a gold hat. Why doesn’t he have a gf”
The 90s were wild. Scientists actually “cloned a sheep” as if we could tell sheep apart in the first place.
“Mommy! We made pancakes!” and other terrifying things unsupervised children say.